If "Twilight" was about Dragons

(and contained more fisting)

Courtesy of Cracked.com

Enjoy

Boys and girls might write differently!

I don't remember if I've written about this here, or just conversed with friends about it. I'd made the observation that literature by men tends to be about doing, while literature by women tends to be about simply being. For instance, a fantasy fiction book by a man tends to delve into wish fulfillment about the main character going and doing great things to prove his/her worth, and rising through society as a result of his/her accomplishments. Fantasy fiction books by women are more likely to focus on the main character being recognized for how wonderful/brilliant/beautiful he/she is, without actually doing anything to deserve said praise, other than existing.

Think "Harry Potter" vs. "The Hobbit."

Anyway, I came across this, and had to include it. It's real - been vetted by Snopes as much as anything on the 'net can be. And I know it's made its way around, but I'm just now coming across it!

English 44A, SMU, Creative Writing, Prof. Miller.

In-class Assignment for Wednesday:"Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

"The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted."

_____ STORY: (first paragraph by Rebecca) ________

At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and acros sthe cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4."Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.


Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race.Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!"


This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent,chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.


Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.



Asshole.



Bitch.

Honestly, I think this would've gone on to make a great story. But maybe I'm a little warped!

Best. Superstition. EVER.

As you know, I'm from Texas. A place that seems to be in drought more often than not.

Well, it turns out the Indians (not the feather wearing ones, but the dot-in-the-forehead ones) have figured out the answer:

Naked girls.

Texas, it's time we adopted this. I'm sure you'll find no shortage of willing girls, as long as you go to 6th in Austin and offer them alcohol. Crops will get watered, one way or the other.

Why haven't we been doing this all along?

Group Sex

Or maybe just the effect of gender upon groups.

I'm just an observer of human nature, but I think if you want to go out in public as a group, it's best to do it with some mixture of both men and women.

If you get a bunch of men together, not only does their IQ drop, but their maturity level drops further and further, until you end up with a bunch of 5th graders who are legally able to drink. Something's going to wind up broken, the humor is going to be tasteless and tactless, and nobody will want to explain any of the goings-on to the uninitiated.

If you get a bunch of women in a group, however... It's not that their IQ goes down, but they do get more and more bitchy, catty, cheap, and bossy. Ask anybody who relies on tips how they feel when they see a bachelorette party arrive. In my case, I know that at least one girl is going to be pissed that I don't play exclusively her songs (for free) and ignore the rest of the crowd - after all, her friend is getting married! Don't I understand that? Maybe if she just screams a little louder in my ear, I'll get the point.

Men I think understand that we're not fit for public viewing when we're like this. Throughout history, men have endeavoured to create "men only" get-togethers so we can act like idiots and not know about it the next day. Women have always tried to crash these things, somehow thinking they were missing out on something. Well, yes, they were. But if they actually knew how it would be, they'd know they weren't missing out on anything they'd actually WANT to attend!

I think women also have longer memories for embarassment than men. I know if I want a recollection of every social faux pas I've ever made, just ask any girl who was there. There are a few incidents that stand out with the men, of course, but men tend to forget. Women file it away as ammo for the sake of future arguments (and the difference between men and women arguing is DEFINITELY a post for later!).

So men tend to prefer to be alone when they congregate in groups. And it's a very, very good thing.

For whatever reason, though, women seem to prefer to go out in public when they've got a group together. And afterwards, they acknowledge that every girl there was bitchy, and obnoxious... But not herself, no. She was completely justified in belittling the man buying her drinks, right before asking him to buy her another. She was completely justified in not tipping the waiter anything; the service just wasn't as good. But her friends? They were all bitches, and she was embarassed by them.

Mixed groups seem to be the best, if you're going out in public. Yes, that one couple is going to be fighting and snipping to an awkward degree. And yes, one couple is going to be wayyyyy too PDA. But for the most part, it keeps the men from losing all emotional maturity, and the women from displaying the PMS Avenger each of them keeps inside.

Now, don't get me wrong - I usually have a lot of fun when I get together with the guys. I just don't think anybody else needs to be exposed to something that tacky and offensive. Which is pretty much the reason I wear shirts in public, too. And I imagine that women have a lot of fun in groups (though they usually end up bitching to me about it the next day). But I think there should be certain "safe zones" for women to do it. Any viewing of "Sex and the City" qualifies. Any living room where a TV is playing "The View" also works. These are almost guaranteed to be man-free zones (unless a man has been dragged there by a woman insisting he'll love it, and somehow he forgot where he left his testicles and agreed to try it). But out in public? Only if they all sign an agreement saying that they will fully admit to any and all bitchiness perpetrated while under the influence of other women. And apologize to all parties involved. Should there be denial, video evidence can easily be provided these days!

And women - if guys do want to get together with just other guys - don't sweat it, and don't crash it. Some things are just better left unseen, unwitnessed, so you can remain undisgusted. Trust me; we know you won't understand why we'd find _________ fun and/or funny. That's why we want to have just guys there.

Britney Spears' Underwear (or lack thereof).

Now, it's no secret that I'm not and never have been a Britney Spears fan. I never found her particularly attractive, never liked her singing, dancing, song selection, onstage persona, offstage persona, or pretty much anything else. I thought (and still think) she was an entirely Industry Created star.

Having said that...

I watch a lot of CNN and other news channels, largely because I'm highly enjoying this farcical show that the media is pretending is a presidential election. And it seems that every few days, they have to give a report on Britney Spears' condition. Apparently, she's recovering. Great.

But here's what gets me; in EVERY SINGLE REPORT, they always bring up ONE subject - whether or not she's wearing underwear. Apparently, having her genitalia photographed because she went commando is the most horrifying thing any commenter can imagine.

Don't get me wrong - if she were still trying to promote a pure, wholesome image, it'd make it laughable. But to the best of my knowledge, she isn't trying for that anymore.

But of all the things she did, that's the one every newsperson refers to as either a sign she was troubled, or in the fervent hopes that she's learned her lesson and will always wear underwear.

Okay, during her fun and exciting trip into la-la-land, where would you rank the following events? (I've arranged them in no particular order)

1. a 55 hour marriage, entered into while completely high

2. Walking into a random hair salon and SHAVING HER FREAKING HEAD BALD in front of the horrified customers

3. Attacking paparrazzi with an umbrella (actually, I kinda like that one)

4. Beating the shit out of some stranger's car just to show off for the paparazzi

5. Having an affair with a member of the afore-mentioned paparrazzi, complaining about their presence in her life the whole time

6. Driving around with her kid in her arms instead of belted in

7. Trying publicly to get pregnant immediately after losing custody of her kids

8. Giving the most dispirited performance of her life during her "comeback" bid

9. Checking in and out of rehab for a few hours each time while in a custody battle

10. Going in public with no underwear

Personally - the underwear thing really doesn't seem to fit for me. It seems so minor and trivial a thing. Perhaps this is because I know a lot of girls who have done the same (though it was not while accompanying Paris Hilton, and there were no photographers). So why is this the one thing nobody can let go? I just don't get it.

Now, if Obama, McCain and Hillary all get photographed wearing short skirts with no underwear, I'll... Well, to be honest, my opinion of them can't get any lower, so it wouldn't change a damn thing for me.

Jester