Back in Texas...

And it's HOT!

I'd forgotten about this. My mind hadn't forgotten, but the rest of me had. In NC, I never sweat. When everybody else is just drenched, I haven't perspired a drop, and I'd just begun to think of myself as a guy who doesn't sweat much.

Bull-freakin'-shit. My body just doesn't sweat until it gets REAL heat!

Another great thing about Texas - jalapenos. I had sushi yesterday. Guess what? Three different sushi rolls had jalapenos in them!

Only in Texas.

Today I'm hanging with my friend Katie. Life is good. There should be food and alcohol and perhaps a bit of commiserating about messed up relationships. That's what friends are for.

Talk to you all later!

Jess

I miss the wonder of it all...

I grew up in the fading light cast by the glory of the moon landings.

I grew up hearing about the astronauts landing on the moon. Walking, actually walking on an alien surface!

I grew up reading Heinlein's "Rocket Ship Galileo," Arthur C. Clarke's "Space Odyssey" and Asimov's "Foundation" series. I grew up with Star Trek and Star Wars, and I knew that as physics-defying nonsense-filled as they were, it was a tale of exploration - and we were explorers, and we were out there exploring!

And then I grew up.

It is the nature of Man that, in every society, you expand and progress, or you stagnate and decay.

We haven't landed on the moon in over 35 years. We've sent robots places, but Mankind has been stuck in low earth orbit ever since 1972. We beat the Russians, and lost interest. The "giant leap for mankind" never resulted in us learning to run; we sat back down and never tried even walking again. Instead of advancing - we stagnated. We decayed.

A few years ago, Bush instituted a new vision in NASA intended to put men on the Moon, and on Mars. It was a grand plan, a wondrous idea, a beautiful and majestic vision. Only problem; this vision didn't come with any money. And how could it? We've bankrupted ourselves with our pyramid schemes of entitlements, with our congressional-military-industrial complex, with our sheer greed. But Dr. Mike Griffin, the head of NASA, did his best to plan this vision anyway, and expand NASA's role in the future of real space exploration.

Then came 2008. All three major presidential candidates have signed on to the idea of reducing NASA, instead of expanding it. Once the Space Shuttle retires, we won't even have a way to send anybody into low earth orbit until 2014 at the earliest, which is more likely to be 2016, or later. The reaction to this in congress is shock, horror, demands that NASA do something about it... And decreased funding.

Now, the libertarian in me doesn't believe that NASA is any more deserving of funding than welfare. You can certainly make a point with that. And it certainly hasn't done that much grand and inspiring work in decades. But if you're going to cut things, I'd put that last on the list. First get rid of the Department of Education, which has done more damage to the very concept of learning than any one entity should! First get rid of the institutionalized health care mandates, and welfare, and overseas empire... Yeah, NASA would be one of the last things I'd cut. Still, I can understand why a true libertarian would want to. But as we watch the Chinese and Russians and Japanese and the EU ramp up their space programs, aiming for the Moon, aiming for Mars...

I miss the wonder. I miss feeling like we, as Americans, were headed there in the pioneer tradition that built this nation. I miss feeling like we were headed towards a brighter future in space.

I hope that this changes. I hope we retake the lead in true space exploration. It is truly the future. If we don't, we honestly have as good as forfeited our place in that future, because it will happen, whether we're a part of it or not. Maybe we'll do it through private enterprise, doing it despite the government instead of through them. Maybe not. I just don't know. But for now, I'm going to crack open a classic 50s SciFi book and read about how American Ingenuity will put colonies in space (most likely with giant computers and atomic power!)...

And I'm going to recapture a little of that wonder.

No, it doesn't.

I've just been having an online chat with an Army guy who keeps saying that the fact that we're arguing means we're free.

I've heard this argument before, usually from military guys (perhaps there's no correlation there), that because we're free to express our opinions, that's proof we're free, living in the freest country one earth, filled with freedom-loving patriots.

Okay. Can't you express your complaints in prison, too? Doesn't mean you're free.

The government owns your land. If you don't believe this, try not paying them your rent... I mean, taxes.

The government owns your personal life. If you don't believe this, try having any illegal drugs in your house when the government decides to search it (for which they no longer need a warrant, if they're smart enough to do it right).

The government owns your children. If you don't believe this, ask the FLDS members in Texas.

The government owns your communications. If you don't believe this, just ask Bush, or his flavor of the week attorney general.

The government owns your work. If you don't believe this, try not paying your income tax.

What do you own? The right to complain.

I'm feeling rather free right now. How about you?

My Favorite Font...

It's no secret to anybody that knows me that my favorite font is Times New Roman. Elegant, easy to read, compact... It's like a classy lady that manages to be hot at the same time.

Arial is usually the default font on most programs I've encountered. I've never liked Arial. Sprawling, crude, ungainly. I've never understood why people use it voluntarily. It's like dating the ugly girl when the cute one is right there beside her... *sigh*

Alas, I noticed that it's freakin' hard to read on this blog when I use Times New Roman. For whatever reason, it just doesn't show too well. And guess what font does? Arial.

AAAAAHHHHH!!!! THE INHUMANITY!!!!!!

Bonus points if you know where that quote is actually from!

While I'm rambling, let me throw out a tip for anybody coming to a dueling pianos show. If you ask us to do a song, and we tell you we don't know it, we DON'T KNOW IT.

1) Insisting that we DO know it, that we HAVE to know it, that EVERYBODY knows it will not make us change our mind and say "Oh, well now that you mention it, I really DO know it! Glad you persisted."

2) Yelling out the name of the song at every (relatively) quiet moment will also not annoy us into magically producing the song right out of our collective asses.

3) Telling us how important it is that you hear it does not enable us to magically download it into the iPod we had surgically implanted in our brains.

4) Offering to sing it to us really doesn't help, either. First of all, we usually don't let people sing onstage anyway, as we are not karaoke. Second of all, alcohol makes you sing in a monotone. Really, it does. Tape yourself if you don't believe me. Third, even if you sing it, WE STILL DON'T KNOW THE SONG.

Okay, I realize that absolutely nobody will be prevented from this behavior by my blog. But damn, it felt good to say!

Jester

To all you Patriots; DON'T VOTE!

Okay, my headline is perhaps a bit misleading. Voting is important, and a great deal of what should be deciding the direction of this country. But here's my issue; most people believe it their patriotic duty to vote, regardless of their knowledge of politics, of history, of economics, even of what issues are at stake.

I've said it before, but let me say it again. Voting does NOT equal freedom. The right to vote does NOT mean you live in a free country. In most dictatorships, the citizens are given the right to vote; the ruling party merely decides ahead of time who you will be allowed to vote for. Anyone with a touch of cynicism will have a hard time finding that different from our current system. Anyone without a touch of cynicism is either inhaling some really exotic drugs, or not yet old enough to write their name in cursive letters.

The right to vote does NOT in any shape, form, or fashion mean that you are free. Contrary to what you have been told (or are likely to tell me), in the history of this country, very few people died to give you the right to vote. Many thousands died to give you freedom, a freedom most people are actively throwing away with every ballot cast. You CAN vote for freedom. But most people do not. Most don't even know how. (I'll give you a hint - it's not by voting for the candidate who promises you the most free stuff, or even for this guy, though at least he's honest)

Most people have a decided lack of interest in politics. I more than understand this; I sympathize, perhaps even admire this. I can't break away, myself. But at times, I sure wish I could. But yet these same people believe they have a patriotic obligation to vote. In essence, they are actively participating in a system they neither understand nor wish to be engaged in.

Voting is not an inalienable right, nor was it ever intended to be. But we have pushed ever harder for universal suffrage as a means to promote... Something or other. Fairness, I guess. But competence is more fundamental to true progress than this false sense of equality. You wouldn't say the best way to solve the medical crisis would be to declare everybody a doctor, would you? Admittedly, it would make prescriptions really fun. In medicine, you want a certain level of competence. And yet, isn't deciding the fate of a country as important as being a doctor?

Most people base their vote on feelings, party lines, and the oratory of the candidates. This is about as effective as betting on BasketBall Teams based on who has the best smiles in the starting line-up.

I think rather than making it easier to vote, we ought to make it much, much harder. Yes, this would mean far fewer votes would be cast. But it would also mean only the competent people who actually care would be making these decisions. Open to anyone, but you have to pass the following tests:

1. Speak English - I hate the English language, but it is the primary language of this country, and should remain so. If you can't read it, learn to.
2. Know basic economic principles - if you've never studied Austrian Economics, you might be suckered in by the governmental sleight-of-hand approach increasingly used for the last seventy years or so. And chances are you were taught the Keynesian Bullshit in college.
3. Know the voting record of every candidate you vote for. Don't know what Barack Obama voted for? (hint - he voted to fund the Iraq war every time it came up) That should be a problem. If the candidate is an incumbent, it should have say, 10 major votes that he/she cast in the last term. If you get 8 of 10 right, your vote for him/her counts. Otherwise, you're effectively voting in the best haircut, which is not really the best method. Well, not always.
4. Have read the Constitution. If you don't know what's in it, and what is most certainly not, then you have no real basis for knowing whether the president is doing his job (he's not), or whether congress is doing their jobs (they're not), or whether the government has grown beyond its intended scope (think Rosie O'Donnell in a size 2 dress).
5. Know some basic history. If you don't know shit about the Roman Empire (watching "Gladiator" doesn't count!), if you can't name any founding fathers not appearing on our currency, if you don't know why we fought the civil war (not about slavery), why we got into WWI and WWII, why Korea and Vietnam and Iraq I and II were unconstitutional, if you don't know what the Federal Reserve is or does... You really should be looking these things up before you vote.

Is this really too much to ask? I know, most of you will say it is. Relax. I'm not in charge. And if I were, I would totally go with a dictatorship anyway. Rather than appeal to intelligence, decency, and freedom, I'd probably have a different platform, largely based on eliminating Reality TV.

Mandatory Weekend Watching!

It's Friday again, and that means we've got some clips to watch. Or don't. Be that way. Spoilsport.

Speaking of double standards...

Rachel Lucas already went after this one and tore it to shreds.

Here's the original article published in Men's Health. It's the 8 things your girlfriend hates about you. Talk about something to make bile rise up in your throat. Well, before I had time to cogitate over the best way to look at this one, here's what the incredible Miss Lucas did with it:

How about 8 things he hates about you?

Brilliant. This is why she's become one of my favorite bloggers. Her bullshit tolerance is set pretty damned close to zero.

It just ain't funny...

Dr. Helen pointed out a disturbing trend I've noticed:

People are so indoctrinated to believe that violence against men is okay, especially if perpetrated by women, that they find the whole thing a joke. How empathetic.

Now, that's a general truth, conveyed by every facet of our society. And I think it's just something that everybody should consider. But I'd like to focus on one specific aspect of this that is to me the most glaring example of this problem.

The balls. More precisely, getting hit in them.

For the last 18 years or so, every week on America's Funniest Home Videos, we see guys getting hit in the balls, curling up and falling over. This is accompanied by funny sound effects and canned laughter, occasionally panning over the audience to see all the women howling with laughter, and the men struggling to look like they're enjoying the scene.

Guys hate not appreciating the joke. Almost any time you hear somebody say "That's not funny!" it's a girl getting pissed. In my job, it's a well-known fact - you can pick on guys and call them names and do whatever the hell you want. No guy wants to admit he doesn't think it's funny! Even if we think it's the most tasteless, inappropriate gag ever, guys will always laugh along if everybody is having a good time.

But get them alone, and I have as yet to ever meet a guy who thinks getting racked is funny. Not one. I'm not saying there isn't one, but in my entire life I haven't met him.

Girls cannot comprehend this. I've explained this to my female friends. I've explained it to girls I've dated. It does not compute. I was texting a girl the other day who I've expressed this opinion to over and over again. She's not a violent girl. She's a very empathic person, actually. But when I texted one of my sarcastically chauvinistic opinions, she texted back "I ought to kick you where it hurts." (She meant in my testicles, for all you slow readers)

To all females out there - think how creepy this would be to hear from a guy:

"I ought to punch you in the kidneys until you cough up blood."
"I ought to choke you until your windpipe is bruised and you can't breathe normally."
"I ought to kick you in your ovaries until you suffer debilitating pain."

Freaky, huh? Wouldn't that creep you out and make you never want to talk to that guy again? Wouldn't that make you consider calling the police? It's not funny. There's nothing even slightly humorous about those statement.

Now, take that and think about it before the next time you mention kicking or hitting a guy in the balls for whatever reason. It's just not funny. Sure, the guy may laugh at the time. We feel compelled to laugh at any joke. But if you ask him in a serious moment whether getting racked is funny, I bet he'll say it's not.

I know, every comedy movie has at least one scene with it. I know, every TV show has to play it once a season (minimum) for laughs. I know every single part of society is telling girls it's funny. But it's just not.

As a matter of fact, I'm going to respond with one of the above phrases every time a girl mentions kicking or hitting me in the balls. It'll ruin the conversation, of course. It may even get the authorities called on me. And she'll tell all her friends that I'm a creepy psycho that they should stay away from. But if every guy did this, maybe we could finally, finally get through to women.

It ain't funny.

Nerd Osmosis...

So I went to see Iron Man the other night. The girl I was with was clueless about comics in general and Iron Man in particular. So I was explaining background, inside jokes, who was what, where it followed the original comic book story, where it deviated, and that's when I realized...

I've never read an Iron Man comic. In my entire life, I've only picked up a few dozen comics.

So how the hell do I know Iron Man's back story? For that matter, I'm also familiar with a ridiculous number of other Marvel and DC comic book characters. I was going to list them, but when I topped 20 in the "A"s, I decided not to.

There are two obvious answers;

1) Aliens abducted me, and used their infinitely superior technology to cram my brain full of comic-book character trivia.

2) Nerd Osmosis.

I hang around a lot of nerds - I always have. Their vocabularies rock, and they tend to have a better sense of priorities (and fun, for that matter) than most non-nerds. Due to my encyclopedic knowledge of useless shit, I'm always accepted as one of their own.

Now, I don't really recall ever discussing comics with any of them other than my friend Caleb. And then, it's usually after seeing the latest comic book movie. But I realized - what if I'm absorbing the Nerds comic-book knowledge by merely being in their presence?

This would also explain my afore-mentioned encyclopedic knowledge of trivial factoids. Ask anybody who knows me, and they'll all tell you I know ridiculous amounts of info about a very, very broad range of topics. I've always assumed this is because I read several hours a day. But what if I'm actually absorbing all the useless learning that everybody I come into contact with has acquired over their lifetimes?

It all starts to make sense, doesn't it? I'm in fact a Super-Hero of my own - I'm the great Knowledge Absorber! Call me Sponge-Jess! (I could even get some square pants, if necessary).

Get ready, cause once I get a cape, it's on! I'll be traveling around, curing ignorance one worthless fact at a time! Save lives? Ha! Save the Universe? No. Save damsels in distress? Not likely. Save the day? I don't see it. Save unused brain cells? Absolutely!

Jester

P.S. I'd better hit the gym more if I'm going to start wearing tights...

Beans, beans, the wonderful fruit

I've never understood people who can't stop eating sugar.

Don't get me wrong - I enjoy sweets. But they're bad for you in excess, and as Americans, we do everything in excess. I know very few people who can go without eating massive amounts of sugar (or high fructose corn syrup) every single day. And the sad thing is, most of them think they are healthy!

Then again, most people think they're smarter than average, too. And better looking than average. And funny. (In my case, it happens to be true, of course. Right? Right? Anybody? Bueller? Bueller?)

But I gained a bit more sympathy for those addicted to sweet things when I realized my dietary kryptonite. I can say no to sugar. I can say no to fat. But beans... Mmmm...

Now, some of you are going "beans? Those are healthy!", and indeed they are. Very healthy. For me. Not so much for the people around me. Now, thankfully, I live alone. So when I'm by myself, I can enjoy my bean and cheese tacos... My Ranch Style Beans (side note - outside of Texas, those are called "Texas Style Beans")... My beef and bean burritos... My chalupas...

Of course, you don't want to visit my house after I've enjoyed such a delightful meal.

Should I ever have a family, that's going to be tough. Can I go without beans forever after that? My thought is that I should secretly remove their olfactory senses while they sleep. Who really needs to go around sniffing, anyway?

Another option would be to force everybody else to eat beans, and then blame them for the resulting fragrance. I'm not sure how that would work, but it might be worth a shot.

At work is always interesting. I'm by myself onstage, and I'm very good at sneaking them out. But I guarantee, the second I let loose with a foul miasma, the hottest girl in the room is going to walk up to me with a song request. Every single time. And all I can do is smile and pretend to be oblivious.

So, we now have Saccharine. Aspartame. Splenda. Neotame. Stevia. They're releasing new artificial sweeteners all the time, it seems.

Any work being done on stinkless beans? Please, scientists - this is urgent!

Jester.

P.S. Isn't it amazing how I managed to write this whole thing without once using the words fart, poot, air biscuit, anal exhale, backdoor trumpet, barking spider, blinking brown-eye, bottom burp, bunghole buzzer, chanel No. 2, colon cologne, cushion creeper, rectum roar, rump ripper, or wind breakage? That's because I'm sophisticated and refined.

Mandatory Weekend Watching!

I'm thinking every Friday there should be clips on here. If you have any good ones, email me over the week, and I'll put them all on every Friday. Let's see how this goes...

Archie Bunker on Democrats...



The youngest Beatle...



What REALLY goes on from the conducting podium...



Have a great weekend, everybody!

Jester

Britney Spears' Underwear (or lack thereof).

Now, it's no secret that I'm not and never have been a Britney Spears fan. I never found her particularly attractive, never liked her singing, dancing, song selection, onstage persona, offstage persona, or pretty much anything else. I thought (and still think) she was an entirely Industry Created star.

Having said that...

I watch a lot of CNN and other news channels, largely because I'm highly enjoying this farcical show that the media is pretending is a presidential election. And it seems that every few days, they have to give a report on Britney Spears' condition. Apparently, she's recovering. Great.

But here's what gets me; in EVERY SINGLE REPORT, they always bring up ONE subject - whether or not she's wearing underwear. Apparently, having her genitalia photographed because she went commando is the most horrifying thing any commenter can imagine.

Don't get me wrong - if she were still trying to promote a pure, wholesome image, it'd make it laughable. But to the best of my knowledge, she isn't trying for that anymore.

But of all the things she did, that's the one every newsperson refers to as either a sign she was troubled, or in the fervent hopes that she's learned her lesson and will always wear underwear.

Okay, during her fun and exciting trip into la-la-land, where would you rank the following events? (I've arranged them in no particular order)

1. a 55 hour marriage, entered into while completely high

2. Walking into a random hair salon and SHAVING HER FREAKING HEAD BALD in front of the horrified customers

3. Attacking paparrazzi with an umbrella (actually, I kinda like that one)

4. Beating the shit out of some stranger's car just to show off for the paparazzi

5. Having an affair with a member of the afore-mentioned paparrazzi, complaining about their presence in her life the whole time

6. Driving around with her kid in her arms instead of belted in

7. Trying publicly to get pregnant immediately after losing custody of her kids

8. Giving the most dispirited performance of her life during her "comeback" bid

9. Checking in and out of rehab for a few hours each time while in a custody battle

10. Going in public with no underwear

Personally - the underwear thing really doesn't seem to fit for me. It seems so minor and trivial a thing. Perhaps this is because I know a lot of girls who have done the same (though it was not while accompanying Paris Hilton, and there were no photographers). So why is this the one thing nobody can let go? I just don't get it.

Now, if Obama, McCain and Hillary all get photographed wearing short skirts with no underwear, I'll... Well, to be honest, my opinion of them can't get any lower, so it wouldn't change a damn thing for me.

Jester

Finally - I'm back. And I'm more special than ever.

I'm going to try to get my website up and running again. I don't imagine anybody's so much as looked at this blog in a couple of years. Which is understandable, as I haven't posted anything in a couple of years.

But come Hell or High Water (where did THAT phrase come from?), I'm going to get my online presence back up.

Yay. Go me.

Speaking of which, GO SPURS!!! I think nobody told them that this was an even-numbered year. I just hope nobody tells them before they play the New Orleans Hornets.

I now leave you with my new favorite quote. It's by Douglas Adams, and it speaks so eloquently to our modern political situation.

"On its world, the people are people. The leaders are lizards. The people hate the lizards and the lizards rule the people." "Odd," said Arthur, "I thought you said it was a democracy." "I did," said Ford. "It is." "So," said Arthur, hoping he wasn't sounding ridiculously obtuse, "why don't the people get rid of the lizards?" "It honestly doesn't occur to them," said Ford. "They've all got the vote, so they all pretty much assume that the government they vote in more or less approximates to the government they want." "You mean they actually vote for the lizards?" "Oh yes," said Ford with a shrug, "of course." "But," said Aurthur, going for the big one again, "why?" "Because if they didn't vote for a lizard," said Ford, "the wrong lizard might get in." Well, on that note, I leave you to next time. So long, and thanks for all the fish! Jester

Some Gave All

“On my honor, I will do my best
To do my duty to God and my country”
from the Boy Scout Oath


“Love your country and live with pride
And don't forget those who died…
All gave some and some gave all
And some stood through for the red, white and blue
And some had to fall…
Think of all your liberties and recall
Some gave all”
Billy Ray Cyrus, from the song “Some Gave All.”

It’s Memorial Day. Time for family and barbecues. Time for sales, and cheap political opportunism. Time for a day off of work. Time to get in your car and drive to a get-together. I guess it’s time to be American, in any guise that may take.

I have many thoughts this day, about what it means to be an American. About the freedoms that we profess to love, but in practice give away with no remorse or acknowledgement. About the greatness we’ve achieved on the work of previous generations, and whether we’re willing to continue that. About the tragedy of war, and how truly horrible a thing it is. I am not a pacifist; war is sometimes necessary. But it should always, always, always be a last resort.

I have become a huge fan of the ever-controversial “Vox Day,” but I want to point out his latest column - http://www.worldnetdaily.com/news/article.asp?ARTICLE_ID=50415 – which flatly asserts the need for a new political party. I’ve been saying this for years, even as I wonder whether we’ll ever be allowed to see one succeed.

Yeah, I’ve been thinking about America. And I hope that you do, too, in the midst of your busy weekend.

But in the midst of all this, take time to think about what Memorial Day is really about. Remembering.

Remember those who gave their lives for us.
Remember those sons and daughters who never came home.
Remember those fathers and mothers who never got to watch their children grow up.
Remember every sacrifice made in the name of freedom, freedom that we’re throwing away.
Remember those who were never whole again in either body or spirit, because of what they lost.
Remember every dream that never came true, every life cut short – for you and me!
Remember that some gave all.

Remember.

A quick addendum

To those who read my last blog, and thought I was depressed; my apologies. In re-reading it, I can definitely see how you would get that impression.

I'm far from depressed, in fact, life is great. I'm a little bummed out that I'm in the twilight of my 20s, but other than that, things are great.

Also, I've had a lot of positive comments given to me about the previous column ("We're different - still"), mostly from women. However, there were a few people that took a great deal of offense to it, and said I was sexist. When I asked for specifics, I got no reply; they just said the "general tone" was, even if I didn't say anything they could point to. A friend (male) said that it doesn't matter what the truth is, the perception was that it was sexist. All I can do to respond to that is quote Theodore Beale:

"I merely write what I think. Given what people find persuasive, I see no point in spending any effort in trying to persuade anyone. If you can't get past big words or scary analogies, you can't be convinced by anything but repeated emotional manipulation anyhow."

I'm not that cynical about everyone, but those who are entirely concerned with the "overall" tone aren't probably going to get what I'm writing, anyway.

So, am I a sexist? By some definitions, assuredly yes. And I scoff (yes, I just used the word "scoff") at anyone who claims not to be.

As a noun, it can be defined as "a man with a chauvinistic belief in the inferiority of women." Personally, I find that definition rather sexist, as well - I've known just as many women convinced of the superiority of their sex as the reverse. Regardless, that definition does NOT pertain to me. I hold neither sex to be superior.

However, as an adjective, it can be defined as "discriminatory on the basis of sex" - and I do discriminate between the sexes. There are very real differences between men and women. We all know it, even the uber-PC people who wholeheartedly deny it.

Again, I don't know how much of the difference between men and women is based on genetics, and how much is based on culture, but there are differences.

Interestingly enough, most dictionaries combine the definition with "prejudice" - which is to judge prior to knowledge. Actually, it has been knowledge and experience which have caused me to believe there truly are inherent differences between men and women. That is not something I believed at all ten years ago.

So, if I offended you with the tone of my entry, read it again and tell me if there's something wrong, flawed, or specifically sexist about it. If so, I'll be glad to revisit it, or remove it, or apologize for it. If not, then perhaps it's not my communication skills at fault, but a prejudice on the reader's side of things. My blog consists of my thoughts - which are by my human nature fallible. But I have no interest in apologizing for writing a truth in an unpalatable form.

My job is to promote fiction, to manipulate emotion to make people happier. That's what I do for a living. For fun, I tell the truth. There's a reason I make money off of one, and not the other!

Jess

P.S. I was also told I come across as cynical. I am.

I'm 29 now - and yet, I'm still boring...

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

29. Here. I’d say finally, but it kinda crept up on me, and then pounced. I’m not sure quite how it happened; I’m just getting into the groove of being in my 20s.

I’ve got a lot on my mind right now, and it’s exceedingly boring. So I’m going to share it with you, because I’m old, and that’s what old people do. We call it wisdom, because it just takes too long to say “boring crap that you couldn’t care less about, but it means a lot to me, and I’m going to tell you about it in hopes that you’ll find meaning in it.”

Even using the acronym “BCTYCCLABIMALTMAIGTTYAIIHTYFMIT” takes too long. And it’s harder to pronounce than “anthropomorphism.” So we’ll stick with “wisdom.” Maybe that stands for “We Ignore Stupid Diatribes Of Musicians.” Then again, it could stand for “Wicked Immoral Sex Delights Ordinary Men.” But I digress. As old people do.

What has happened over my life?

30 years ago, I was… Crap, well, not really doing much. Wasn’t playing piano, wasn’t drinking, wasn’t making time with the hot chicks… Damn, non-existence sucks!

20 years ago, I’d just discovered “The Lord of the Rings,” just figured out how to pronounce the letter “r,” and couldn’t say the letter “s” to save my life. Sorry, that should’ve been “to thave my life.” My sister Tammy had just moved out of the house (a big deal when there’s seven people sharing one bathroom), and I had been playing the piano for two years. I couldn’t play piano very well. I’d never had a drink. And I was still of the opinion that I didn’t really like girls. Damn, being nine sucked, too!

10 years ago, I was finishing up my second year of college. I’d just grown my ponytail. I was as insecure about being a musician as you could possibly be. I’d fallen in love with a girl named Sarah. I was pretty much a fundamentalist Christian, who didn’t cuss, drink, or anything fun. I was scared about being in my 20s. And I couldn’t get a date, no matter how hard I tried. So, I felt I couldn’t play piano, wasn’t drinking, and got nowhere with the chicks. You know, I’m not seeing much progress from 9 to 19 here.

So far, 29 has been pretty good. I’ve done absolutely nothing this year. Then again, I won’t officially turn 29 until later this morning, so we’ll just go back to my 28th year. It’s been like a soap opera this last year, anyway. You hear about the old Chinese Curse “may you live in interesting times” – well, there are apparently a lot of old Chinese people cursing at me.

One year ago I was living on Bourbon St., in New Orleans, living an incredible existence (except for the drunk people who peed on my porch on a regular basis). I performed almost every night (musically! Get your mind out of the gutter!). I was one of the top entertainers at the world-famous “Pat O’Brien’s.” I was taking ballroom dance lessons during the day, meeting beautiful girls from around the world at night. My friend Katie had just moved to New Orleans, and was living with me while I built her an apartment (which I finished in August). Despite my best efforts (and copious amounts of alcohol), she never did fall in lust with me. With my golden tan and bulging muscles, I’m not sure how she ever resisted, but she managed somehow. Still, much fun was had whilst we roommated (is that a verb?).

That all changed when an ill-tempered Katrina came my way. I left New Orleans with Katie, expecting to be gone a day or two. I ended up living with her and her parents for about two weeks while we watched all the news of New Orleans flooding. (Even grief didn’t make her want to get naked for me… man, it’s just hopeless). I thought I lost everything. I was mildly upset at this, but more upset for Katie; she’d just gotten her own apartment, her dad had brought all of her belongings down… She’d been living like a nomad for years (she’s a dancer), and was finally settling down, only to have it all ripped away. But there was nothing I could do; I had no job, no money, no way to help. In fact, I had nothing at all, including plans, ideas, prospects…

So I did what anybody would do. I went to Colorado and auditioned for “American Idol.” What can I say? I was bored. It was a joke, by the way. I was amazed by the talent there; I was completely out of my league, vocally. However, almost nobody with any real talent made it through the auditions, just the tone-deaf freaks who would look funny in the bloopers. I saw several people that blew 90% of the top twelve away. They were passed over immediately. If I were to do it again, I’d sing off-key in a funny costume. Much, much, much more likely to get through.

Anyway, after I got over my heartbreak at not passing the audition… Okay, I’m lying. There was no heartbreak. After seeing what they wanted, I’m grateful I didn’t make it. But after it was over, having no home and no money and no job, I hopped a plane to Las Vegas.

I came to peace with having lost everything. I realized that possessions are merely “stuff.” None of it was really that important (except my tequila collection). My family, my friends, my health, my career – all of these were intact (though not my tequila). People I’d never met opened up their homes to me. Friends from around the world called to make sure I was okay. My mother, my father, friends of my parents – all sent me money, though they really didn’t have any to spare. One of my college professors wanted to buy me a new wardrobe. There was an outpouring of generosity that I still can’t fully wrap my mind around. All I can say is that even thinking about it still humbles me.

And then, having made peace with loss, I found out that I’d lost nothing. Everything I owned was perfectly okay, and more importantly, so was all of Katie’s stuff. And that’s when my dad informed me that he was taking a week off of work, and making a 4,000 mile trip with me to haul my stuff from New Orleans to Las Vegas.

Again with the being humbled.

To make a long story… longer, I moved to Las Vegas, played the strip (that’s different than being a stripper – I think I’d get paid more to put my clothes back on) for several months, started freelancing there, then in California, all up and down the coast… I got tired of all the traveling. Vegas is an incredible city, but the dueling pianos scene is heavily into politics, and I just want to play. I don’t want to backstab or be backstabbed, kiss-ass and be insincerely flattered. I just want to make music and entertain audiences. So I came back to Texas, where I have (with a partner) started a dueling pianos freelance team in the Houston area.

So, now, when it’s all settling down, I realize that I’m 29.

I had a list of goals when I was 28. Some of them came true, but many did not. I did get in shape like I planned - and then I got out of shape again. I did not become debt-free, for obvious reasons. I haven’t become an expert ballroom dancer. I haven’t learned another language, or gotten back into martial arts. I didn’t reconcile with the girl of my dreams. I didn’t get a recording contract, or finish my new CDs. Not once did I have a threesome with twins.

But I did become a better singer, a better entertainer. I worked with some of the best people in the industry, and learned how to hold my own with them. I made some new friends that I think will be with me for life. And I got back in touch with some old friends that I hope will put up with me, too.

I did learn who cared about me, and some of those people surprised me. I learned who didn’t care about me, and some of those surprised me, too. I learned about how inconsequential so much of our stuff is. I learned what true generosity means. I learned the necessity of planning ahead, and the futility of expecting any of those plans to come true.

I’ve become more and more cynical about relationships; most are based entirely on fiction. Men and women lie to each other and manipulate each other constantly, and both sides find it normal for themselves to do so, and horrible and disgusting when the other side does it. Even people who pride themselves on being truthful will lie by omission if the truth makes them uncomfortable.

And yet - I’ve grown more amazed by true love. My cousin and my brother have both found incredible wives, and they have relationships that most people couldn’t even fathom. Not perfect, not without tension… But with incredible love. And when I see it, I think of how rare it is – like a flower that we’ve all seen pictures of, but so few have ever smelled the fragrance.

I’ve become more and more cynical about our country, as our government grows more and more power-hungry, like the decaying Roman Empire, and the people just clamor for bread and circuses. I’ve become disgusted with all the people who are willing to throw away not only their own rights and freedoms, but yours and mine, just as long as they can feel safe. I was disgusted by the people who took advantage of the devastation in New Orleans, those who looted, and stole, and lied to get more from the government. I’ve become repulsed by the incredible greed that says “I have a right to everything I want, because I want it, and you have it.”

And yet – though adversity brings out the worst in many people… Though I’ve seen the ugliest sides of the American populace, I’ve also seen the best. Whether you call them patriots or idealists, those who give until they have nothing left, in the name of America, and even more, in the name of God – those should make us all proud to be American. And though I don’t agree with many of the military conflicts going on, I know people who signed up believing that our country needs them, willing to sacrifice their own lives so that you and I may be safe.

I’ve become more and more frightened by the rampant ignorance around me. How emotion has become more important than fact, feelings more vital than reality. We seem to have thrown away our drive towards reason, science, history, in favor of group discussions and hand-holding. If you try to use logic and action/consequence in a discussion, you’ll get blank stares. Sometimes, I think we’re headed towards another Dark Age.

And yet - if you apply yourself, we have access to more knowledge than at any point in history. I can text a friend in Thailand, IM a friend in Germany, email a friend in Mexico, all while perusing world news on my computer, and listening to a CD on how to speak a foreign language.

Some of my dreams are dying. I’m getting too old to get a record contract, though I’m going to try for a few more years. I’m liking the thought of settling down and raising a family more and more, but I’m finding it even less likely than I did before. And before, I thought there was virtually no chance. Now, I’d remove the word “virtually” from that thought.

Other dreams are just awakening, though. I now own a business of my own. I’m making my own way. I am becoming a success in ways I never thought possible. Will I ever have a platinum CD? Probably not, but I will be playing music for a living as long as I want to. Will I ever have kids? Probably not, but my nieces and nephews are really awesome - and now that I’m back in Texas, I’ll be around as they grow up.

I used to see the world in black and white, with shades of grey here and there on certain select topics. Now, I can’t find the black and white any more, but how pretty all the colors in between have become!

My 20s began rough. But though it doesn’t get any easier, it gets better. Almost every day. I found out what I’m good at, and what I’m not! I found my true friends. I found love, though I had to let it go. Overall, I’ve found happiness. In some ways, I’ve found a lot of maturity. So maybe I am ready for my 30s.

Nah. Who am I kidding? I’ve got 365 days left to party like I’m a young guy! Who’s bringing the tequila? Clothing optional!

Talk to you all next year,
The Old Man formerly known as Jess

We're Different. Still.

Okay, men and women are different. You know it. I know it. So why do we assume one is better than the other?

Men tend to be more focused on one thing at a time, while women multi-task. Yes, there are obvious exceptions to this, but as a generality, it holds true. We look at one thing at a time. This is not better, and not worse, just different.

A girl got really upset with me recently in an argument, because there were certain behaviors she said were disgusting, that I didn’t find disgusting at all. She said that you could tell how a guy would treat a girl by how his friends treat girls. This is not my experience at all; men don’t pick their friends on that account. In fact, I can’t think of any two male friends I have that have the same attitude towards women, other than we’re all horny (we are men, and that equals perpetually horny). She then said that a nice guy would walk away from men that were commenting on a girl’s physical attributes as if she were “a piece of meat.” I laughed.

This is something I’ve heard women complain about a lot (not all women, some like it) – they say “we’re not a piece of meat, don’t look at us like an object!” This is somehow assumed to be wrong, disgusting, filthy, etc. They say “We’re more than our bodies – you’ve got to look at the whole picture.”

Why? When we’re checking out a girl’s ass, or nice cleavage, we’re not evaluating what she’d be like as a girlfriend. We’re not wondering if she’s our soulmate. We’re thinking about her body. And I don’t see why that’s wrong – we’re not groping her. We’re not invading her privacy. If she finds it offensive, then she doesn’t have to date us, sleep with us, even talk to us. But looking and commenting – it’s a free country (used to be, at least), and I honestly can’t find any harm in it. Can one girl tell me what’s actually wrong with it? Saying “it’s wrong” doesn’t count – I want a reason. Saying “it’s objectifying” doesn’t help, either – what’s wrong with that? Saying “it’s demeaning” is void, unless you can tell me WHY it’s demeaning.

By now, many women reading this are offended. But what it seems like to me is a classic case of women judging men by women’s rules. Unless you can tell me WHY you think it’s wrong, other than “it’s just wrong,” it doesn’t count. Just because you “feel” it’s wrong doesn’t make it wrong. Just because you “feel” it’s disgusting doesn’t count, either. There has to be an objective reason, or it’s just personal opinion. Opinions are great to have, until you share them.

I was reading a fantasy book by a female author today. There are several female authors that I truly enjoy reading, but when they talk from a male perspective, it’s hilarious. For one thing, the hero always hates being stared at by women, because he wants girls to notice him for who he is, not how stunningly handsome he is.

Bullshit. Guys don’t mind girls checking us out. We love it. And if you think we’ve got a great ass, we don’t mind if you grab it, either. Just don’t pinch it – that shit hurts.

The way we figure it, you’ve got to start somewhere, and looks are a great beginning. If you want to know our personality, we know you’ll get there eventually. If, after knowing us for years, you don’t care about anything but our looks, then we might be offended. But that’s usually not the way it works.

While we’re on this subject, I see these girls in super-tight jeans, so low-cut you can see butt cleavage, showing off the tattoo on the small of their backs, with wonder-bras and a low-cut shirts… I’m sorry, but they have no right to complain about being looked at like pieces of meat. Most women’s fashions are designed to make girls look as sexual as possible – and they complain because we look at them sexually!

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying men haven’t always looked at women this way… But it’s sure as hell not a one-sided deal anymore. Women ask to be looked at. If you can’t admit this, you’re in a dream world.

Women – you want to figure out how a man treats women? Watch how he treats women. You want to know how he’ll treat you on a date? Go on a date. Want to know how he’ll be in a long-term relationship? Get in a long-term relationship. Anything else is pure speculation, and almost guaranteed to be 100% wrong. If you judge him by his friends, you’re completely off base. Is a man who looks at women sexually offensive to you? Become a lesbian. We all do it. Some hide it, some are discreet, some are blatant. We all do it. It’s who we are.

Before I leave my soapbox, I’m going to go on about monogamy.

I’ve stated before that it’s not natural for men. And if you can’t accept this, again, you’re in a dream world. Some men can do it, because of love. There are several girls that I’ve dated that I would’ve given up all other women for, because it was worth it. But that doesn’t make it natural.

That’s not the point I’m about to make, though. My point is this – guys are going to get sex somewhere. It’s just the truth. And if you’re not giving it to him, don’t be upset when he’s getting it elsewhere. Yeah, you think it’s disgusting, and personally, I hate dishonesty of any variety. It’s one reason I remain single. But if you’re not in the mood for over a month, then either he’s frustrated and unhappy, or he’s looking elsewhere.

Guys do get in relationships for many reasons. Sex is not the only one. Companionship, friendship, support, these are all vital. But as my brother once said “Sex can’t make a relationship, but it sure as hell can break one.”

In an ideal world, when one partner is unsatisfied (and yes, I know several cases where it’s the woman who’s unsatisfied), they would talk it over, and resolve the problem. But more often, one of the couple will use sex either as a weapon, or a reward. Keep in mind, if the price is too high, you can’t blame a guy for going to a lower bidder.

Disgusting? I know many girls that will say so. Some guys, too. I’ve never done that, and never will, because I believe in honesty, and I’d sooner dump a girl than stay with one who’s trying to manipulate me through sex. Many guys don’t think it’s worth the trouble. Especially if they’re married. And let’s face it – how many married couples do you know with an active sex life? If you can name more than five married couples you know (really, really know) who are having sex more than once a month… You’re way ahead of me. I can name three. And that’s out of… Well, I know the details on around thirty. Maybe that’s an insufficient scientific sample.

Girls wonder why men are so scared of commitment, why we don’t want to settle down. Chew on these thoughts for awhile before you wonder. Unless she’s the most incredible girl he’s ever met, and he can’t possibly be happy without her, marriage is a losing proposition for a guy. Most of the things a girl offers a guy, either he doesn’t want, or she’ll quit doing once he’s married. And if it doesn’t work out, he’ll lose most of what he owns.

Do I sound bitter? I’m not, really. I’ve only let one girl screw me over, and I learned my lesson from that. Do I sound cynical? I am, but not from my own experiences, but from watching everybody around me. Do I sound like I hate women? I don’t – I love women, and the majority of my friends are women. But it’s frustrating to watch women judge men by women’s standards, immediately assuming that if a man doesn’t live by a woman’s rules, he’s either a pig, or immature. I’m growing more and more offended as I notice the culture around me saying it’s wrong to be a man, and that a societally acceptable man acts like a woman with a penis.

The few women I’ve truly cared for were not that way. They were different, and saw men as men, and women as women. No excuses necessary, no judgements, just amusement and sometimes exasperation.

Women, accept that men are different, and you’ll be happier. Don’t judge them by what you would do in their place – the Golden Rule is crap when it crosses genders.

Men, quit trying to be women. You won’t be happy, and you won’t make your woman happy. Don’t pay any attention to what the radio, TV, and the movies tell you women want. Act like a man, and you’ll have no problems in that regard, except with bitchy women you’d be better off without, anyway.

Soapbox off. Stepping down. Talk to you all soon,

Jester

Easter - or Why I Am A Christian

These are definitely interesting times we live in. Misguided Christians, steeped in ignorance, advocate the teaching of belief as science. Misguided scientists, jaded to belief, try to tear down the faith that has been one of the hallmarks of Western Civilization. I can’t really figure out what religion has to do with the physical world, or what science has to do with the spiritual world. Sometimes, it has the feeling of one group chanting “There are no trees in the forest!” while another group replies “There are no forests around all these trees!” Millions of people believe the blatant fiction of “The Da Vinci Code” as fact, while disbelieving the Theory of Evolution. Millions of people claiming to follow a religion of peace advocate the slaughter of their enemies. And I’ll let you guess which religion I’m talking about – there’s more than one right answer.

Some would say these are the end times, that all the prophecies that Jesus (and John) gave us are coming true. It’s possible, but I doubt it. My take on prophecy is that we’re not meant to understand it until after the fact. I’ve read the Old Testament many times, and it truly seems to prophesy a military leader coming to free Israel. Jesus fulfilled all the prophecies, but in completely unexpected directions. Only in retrospect could we understand. God is mysterious. Prophecy seems to have two objectives; one is always to direct (usually chastise) God’s followers in an immediate manner… The other is for the future, so that when the prophecy is fulfilled, we’ll know it was part of God’s plan.

I don’t claim to have a deep understanding of all religions. I’ve looked at some others, like Islam, Judaism, and Buddhism (more a philosophy), but only to see if their general principles appealed to me. There were nice touches in each, but Christianity drew me back. There were two reasons for this: Jesus’ death, and Jesus’ Resurrection.

There is a dilemma involved with most religions, a paradox that most try to resolve; either we are flawed, or we are perfect. It’s hard to argue that we are perfect, but if we are flawed, then we do not deserve the reward of a perfect afterlife. Most religions give a set of commands that you follow to deserve this reward. My problem with this was that no matter how many commands you follow, you still cannot achieve perfection. Some believe that you are given many chances in many lives, each time learning a lesson, each time coming closer to spiritually ascending to the next level. My problem with this was that simple mathematics and population statistics make this hard to work with (if you don’t understand, email me, and I’ll give details).

Christianity teaches that God is perfect, and that He (I don’t believe God is male, but there is no gender-neutral pronoun that fits – I’m not going to call God an “It”!) created us with free will. By free will, we choose our paths, and when we make mistakes, we become flawed. (Yes, I know some branches of Christianity teach that we are made already flawed, but they usually use tradition and doctrine to support this, as there is not any direct evidence of this teaching that I’m aware of in actual Scripture.)

This makes sense to me, and seems to follow a logical and true path. I am a firm believer in action resulting in consequences. Sin is when we willfully reject God, who is Love, and instead harm others for selfish reasons. Sometimes the harm is immediate, sometimes it is hidden, but when we cause harm, there is always sin. The consequence of this is separation from God, separation from He who is Love, Peace, Hope, Truth, and all that is good.

Once you’ve made a mistake, you are no longer perfect. No matter how many rules you follow, no matter how many wonderful things you do, you are no longer perfect!

God knows I am not perfect. I have hurt people. I have put my needs and wants above others. I have done this in the distant past. I have done this in recent weeks. I try not to, I work very hard at it, I agonize over it. And I fail.

This is where Jesus comes in, and separates Christianity from all other religions. He, being perfect, agreed to take on the spiritual consequence of our sins. All the hurt, the pain, the loss, the sorrow… the sin. And it killed Him.

This alone would make Christianity noble. It’s a good part of the story. But it is not the best part. The best part is that He rose, and conquered Death. And that victory was not for Himself, for God is not selfish as we are. That victory applies to everyone who accepts it.

As a Christian, I do not have to be perfect. I will never be perfect. God knows this. I don’t deserve an eternal reward – it’s being given to me. I don’t deserve forgiveness – it’s being given to me. Free of charge.

So why do I still strive for perfection? For one, out of gratitude towards He who saved me. For another, because I have learned the closer to God’s path I walk, the greater my time here on earth is. The more Christian a life I lead, the more fulfilled and joyous a life I lead. And as I realize the magnitude of His caring for me, the greater I care for those around me.

Easter is a rather amusing symbol in some ways. It undeniably has been altered from a Pagan fertility rite, and not even altered all that much! (look up the Easter Bunny and the colored eggs sometime, if you don’t believe me). But when you get away from all the pastel colors, and the chocolate, it’s still a reminder of the most important event that has ever happened in human history.

There is no time that I’m more likely to be moved to tears than when I contemplate the suffering of Christ, most often during Communion, or on Good Friday. And there is no time when I feel the joy and triumph of being a Christian than on Easter Sunday. In the words of Wesley:

Christ the Lord is risen today, Alleluia!
Earth and heaven in chorus say, Alleluia!
Raise your joys and triumphs high, Alleluia!
Sing, ye heavens, and earth reply, Alleluia!

Love's redeeming work is done, Alleluia!
Fought the fight, the battle won, Alleluia!
Death in vain forbids him rise, Alleluia!
Christ has opened paradise, Alleluia!

Lives again our glorious King, Alleluia!
Where, O death, is now thy sting? Alleluia!
Once he died our souls to save, Alleluia!
Where's thy victory, boasting grave? Alleluia!

Soar we now where Christ has led, Alleluia!
Following our exalted Head, Alleluia!
Made like him, like him we rise, Alleluia!
Ours the cross, the grave, the skies, Alleluia!

Hail the Lord of earth and heaven, Alleluia!
Praise to Thee by both be given, Alleluia!
Thee we greet triumphant now, Alleluia!
Hail the Resurrection, thou, Alleluia!

King of glory, soul of bliss, Alleluia!
Everlasting life is this, Alleluia!
Thee to know, thy power to prove, Alleluia!
Thus to sing, and thus to love, Alleluia!

Men and Women

Occasionally I have been accused of being sexist. This is probably because I am. I didn't used to be, but life is rapidly making me that way. However, I am not a believer in one sex being superior to the other; actually, it's more a struggle to decide who is more evil. The jury is still out on that one.

That brings us to today's topic for conversation; Men and Women. Let's start with Women.

Women are like

...the stock market
They're irrational and can bankrupt you if you're not careful.

...computers
They take too long to warm up and a better model always comes along once you've already got one.

...Saran Wrap
Useful but clingy.

...horses
Fun to pet and ride but a pain to feed and clean up after.

...parking meters
If you don't feed them with enough money you face serious consequences.

...fax machines
Useful for one very specific purpose but otherwise just high-maintenance paperweights.

...political campaign contributors
If you let them talk about themselves long enough you wind up in bed with them.

...refrigerators
They're always cold and never seem to have a beer when you need one.

...blue jeans
They look good for a while but eventually they fade and have to be replaced.

...country western songs
They're annoying, they all sound alike, but if you really listen to them you'll get depressed and drink a lot.

So, there you have it. What, there's another side? Let's hear it.

Men Are Like

... Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

... Blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

... Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

... Coffee.
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

... Commercials.
You can't believe a word they say.

... Computers.
Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

... Coolers.
Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

... Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

... Curling Irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

... Government Bonds.
They take so long to mature.

... Horoscopes.
They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

... Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

... Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

... Parking Spots.
The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are either handicapped or extremely small.

... Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while



Any questions, ladies and gentlemen?

Your Papers, Please...

Well, if I had any doubts about the merits of private industry versus the guv, well, they're gone.

I lost my wallet in Oroville California last week. I was there for a week-long gig, complete with alcohol, free meals, and a jacuzzi in my room. Aah... good times. Where was I? Oh yeah, lost my wallet. Hard to imagine, with my laser-like focus and all. Speaking of which... Oohh, pretty lights.

Never mind.

Well, I searched high, I searched low, I searched some ladies underwear... But didn't find my wallet. First time I've ever lost my wallet. It sucked.

So, I got back to Vegas. Called up my credit cards, and explained the situation. All was good, nobody had tried to access my accounts. We closed the accounts and opened new ones. All it took was some personal info, which was rather easy to provide. They were extremely polite, and even a little sympathetic. Then I went to the bank, closed that checking account, and opened a new one. Again, very polite, very nice, just asked me a whole bunch of questions.

Then I went to get a copy of my driver's license. First, I had to wait two hours in line before I could even talk to anybody. Then, the person listened to my situation, and called up on her computer my driver's license. I could see the copy of it there, with my pic. She asked me for my birth certificate and Social Security Card. I explained to her that I didn't have my birth certificate, as it was being used to get me my Passport (you have to mail off your birth certificate, and it comes back to you with the Passport when you're done). She looked at me and said "Well, show me your passport." I tried to explain that I didn't have it. I said "Look, I can tell you my driver's license number, my SS number, my birthdate, my height, weight, eye color, and mother's maiden name. You can see my picture right there."

She said "Sorry, without proper authorized documentation, I can't help you." I said I could show her a rental agreement, car deeds, utility bills. Nope. No interest in helping me.

If there were competing industries, then she'd have to be nicer, or lose my business. Had my credit cards given me that kind of hassle, I would've cancelled my account. But since it's the government, they don't care. They don't have to.

Lucky for me, my passport ended up coming in, so I was able to get my Driver's License replaced. After waiting another few hours in line at the DMV.

Anyway, I'm off to Houston soon. The Great City of... Crap, you know, I wish that Austin were the one offering me all the jobs. Nothing against Houston, but it's rather low on my list of places I want to be in Texas. Austin? Hell, yeah! DFW? Perhaps. Corpus Christi? Cool. Houston? Well, it's better than Abilene.

Have I already told you all how I'm in love? Yup. I found my soulmate. It's Grace Park, from Battlestar Galactica. Or any of the myriad robot character she plays. I don't care. I'm proposing, man. I'll even get down on one knee. The view is good there, too. Damn, but she's a hottie!

What do you mean, I'm shallow?

Well, I'm off to get errands run. Talk to you all soon, probably after my first cruise is done!

Jester