You know, I've got a great idea. Someday, I'm going to take a Shakespeare play, and turn it into a movie. But hold on - as daring and innovative as that idea is, I'm going to be even more avant-garde! I'm going to set it in modern times!

I know what you're thinking. This is crazy. Nobody's ever tried this before. But I'm just the man to do it.

Seriously, are we so short on ideas for screenplays that we've got to do that over and over again? There are other things to adapt. Look at how awesome LOTR was. The same could be done with any of the Vlad Taltos novels of Steven Brust, or the Ringworld series by Terry Pratchett. I love Shakespeare (well, the comedies, at least. Never really liked the tragedies), but come on, now!

Come on Eileen, Oh, I swear (what he means)...
Crap, am I singing eighties music again?

Speaking of which, what decade are we in right now? Does anybody know? The "Oughts"? The "O"s? The "Zeroes"? If you happen to know, email me. "pianoman@jessmills.com" - I'd sure like to know.

My cousin, who is on his way to being a plastic surgeon (although that's something of a misnomer; plastic rarely needs surgery), told me that my lifelong dream of having elf ears is quite attainable. I forgot to ask him about my other lifelong dreams, like being immortal, and having the ability to read minds.

*WARNING* Bitter rant coming along! *WARNING*

It's funny; I'm 26, thoroughly unmarried, and probably bound to stay that way for awhile (that's not the funny part). Everybody keeps asking me when I'm going to get married, settle down, and have kids.

HAH!!!

Now that I think of it, though, this is an improvement; everybody used to ask me if I was gay.

Don't get me wrong, I think parenting is a wonderful and noble thing. I also think it costs a whole lot of money, and more energy than can be measured. Sorry. I like sleeping for eight hours at a stretch, if I so desire. And I'm a musician. When's the last time you actually met a rich musician? Thought so.

Maybe I'm like this because I'm not married (and because I'm so damn selfish). But I know so many people that shacked up with the first willing person they could find, just so they could work on the white picket fence, the 2.5 kids, and the out-of-control credit cards that spell out the modern american dream.

Sorry, but if your marriage isn't stable and loving (and there are at least four or five of those out there), I don't think you should be having kids. The world's screwed up enough already.

Okay, I'm climbing down from the soapbox. But let's make a deal; you don't ask me when I'm planning on having kids, and I won't ask you when you're planning to learn to play piano.

Well, I'm going to go read now. Which I can do, since I don't have kids.

Remember - Life is like a box of chocolates. If you don't pay attention, somebody is going to eat all the good ones before you get to them, and you'll just be all pissed and bitter about it, and you'll leave the rest in the sun one day, and it'll all melt together into a big pile of goo, and you'll look up at the sky and scream "WHY, GOD, WHY?" in a melodramatic way, and rend your garments, and have to go around wearing sackloth and ashes Old Testament style, wishing you'd just been able to enjoy your box of chocolates...

On second thought, that had nothing to do with life.

Jess