Tuesday, April 18, 2006

We're Different. Still.

Okay, men and women are different. You know it. I know it. So why do we assume one is better than the other?

Men tend to be more focused on one thing at a time, while women multi-task. Yes, there are obvious exceptions to this, but as a generality, it holds true. We look at one thing at a time. This is not better, and not worse, just different.

A girl got really upset with me recently in an argument, because there were certain behaviors she said were disgusting, that I didn’t find disgusting at all. She said that you could tell how a guy would treat a girl by how his friends treat girls. This is not my experience at all; men don’t pick their friends on that account. In fact, I can’t think of any two male friends I have that have the same attitude towards women, other than we’re all horny (we are men, and that equals perpetually horny). She then said that a nice guy would walk away from men that were commenting on a girl’s physical attributes as if she were “a piece of meat.” I laughed.

This is something I’ve heard women complain about a lot (not all women, some like it) – they say “we’re not a piece of meat, don’t look at us like an object!” This is somehow assumed to be wrong, disgusting, filthy, etc. They say “We’re more than our bodies – you’ve got to look at the whole picture.”

Why? When we’re checking out a girl’s ass, or nice cleavage, we’re not evaluating what she’d be like as a girlfriend. We’re not wondering if she’s our soulmate. We’re thinking about her body. And I don’t see why that’s wrong – we’re not groping her. We’re not invading her privacy. If she finds it offensive, then she doesn’t have to date us, sleep with us, even talk to us. But looking and commenting – it’s a free country (used to be, at least), and I honestly can’t find any harm in it. Can one girl tell me what’s actually wrong with it? Saying “it’s wrong” doesn’t count – I want a reason. Saying “it’s objectifying” doesn’t help, either – what’s wrong with that? Saying “it’s demeaning” is void, unless you can tell me WHY it’s demeaning.

By now, many women reading this are offended. But what it seems like to me is a classic case of women judging men by women’s rules. Unless you can tell me WHY you think it’s wrong, other than “it’s just wrong,” it doesn’t count. Just because you “feel” it’s wrong doesn’t make it wrong. Just because you “feel” it’s disgusting doesn’t count, either. There has to be an objective reason, or it’s just personal opinion. Opinions are great to have, until you share them.

I was reading a fantasy book by a female author today. There are several female authors that I truly enjoy reading, but when they talk from a male perspective, it’s hilarious. For one thing, the hero always hates being stared at by women, because he wants girls to notice him for who he is, not how stunningly handsome he is.

Bullshit. Guys don’t mind girls checking us out. We love it. And if you think we’ve got a great ass, we don’t mind if you grab it, either. Just don’t pinch it – that shit hurts.

The way we figure it, you’ve got to start somewhere, and looks are a great beginning. If you want to know our personality, we know you’ll get there eventually. If, after knowing us for years, you don’t care about anything but our looks, then we might be offended. But that’s usually not the way it works.

While we’re on this subject, I see these girls in super-tight jeans, so low-cut you can see butt cleavage, showing off the tattoo on the small of their backs, with wonder-bras and a low-cut shirts… I’m sorry, but they have no right to complain about being looked at like pieces of meat. Most women’s fashions are designed to make girls look as sexual as possible – and they complain because we look at them sexually!

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying men haven’t always looked at women this way… But it’s sure as hell not a one-sided deal anymore. Women ask to be looked at. If you can’t admit this, you’re in a dream world.

Women – you want to figure out how a man treats women? Watch how he treats women. You want to know how he’ll treat you on a date? Go on a date. Want to know how he’ll be in a long-term relationship? Get in a long-term relationship. Anything else is pure speculation, and almost guaranteed to be 100% wrong. If you judge him by his friends, you’re completely off base. Is a man who looks at women sexually offensive to you? Become a lesbian. We all do it. Some hide it, some are discreet, some are blatant. We all do it. It’s who we are.

Before I leave my soapbox, I’m going to go on about monogamy.

I’ve stated before that it’s not natural for men. And if you can’t accept this, again, you’re in a dream world. Some men can do it, because of love. There are several girls that I’ve dated that I would’ve given up all other women for, because it was worth it. But that doesn’t make it natural.

That’s not the point I’m about to make, though. My point is this – guys are going to get sex somewhere. It’s just the truth. And if you’re not giving it to him, don’t be upset when he’s getting it elsewhere. Yeah, you think it’s disgusting, and personally, I hate dishonesty of any variety. It’s one reason I remain single. But if you’re not in the mood for over a month, then either he’s frustrated and unhappy, or he’s looking elsewhere.

Guys do get in relationships for many reasons. Sex is not the only one. Companionship, friendship, support, these are all vital. But as my brother once said “Sex can’t make a relationship, but it sure as hell can break one.”

In an ideal world, when one partner is unsatisfied (and yes, I know several cases where it’s the woman who’s unsatisfied), they would talk it over, and resolve the problem. But more often, one of the couple will use sex either as a weapon, or a reward. Keep in mind, if the price is too high, you can’t blame a guy for going to a lower bidder.

Disgusting? I know many girls that will say so. Some guys, too. I’ve never done that, and never will, because I believe in honesty, and I’d sooner dump a girl than stay with one who’s trying to manipulate me through sex. Many guys don’t think it’s worth the trouble. Especially if they’re married. And let’s face it – how many married couples do you know with an active sex life? If you can name more than five married couples you know (really, really know) who are having sex more than once a month… You’re way ahead of me. I can name three. And that’s out of… Well, I know the details on around thirty. Maybe that’s an insufficient scientific sample.

Girls wonder why men are so scared of commitment, why we don’t want to settle down. Chew on these thoughts for awhile before you wonder. Unless she’s the most incredible girl he’s ever met, and he can’t possibly be happy without her, marriage is a losing proposition for a guy. Most of the things a girl offers a guy, either he doesn’t want, or she’ll quit doing once he’s married. And if it doesn’t work out, he’ll lose most of what he owns.

Do I sound bitter? I’m not, really. I’ve only let one girl screw me over, and I learned my lesson from that. Do I sound cynical? I am, but not from my own experiences, but from watching everybody around me. Do I sound like I hate women? I don’t – I love women, and the majority of my friends are women. But it’s frustrating to watch women judge men by women’s standards, immediately assuming that if a man doesn’t live by a woman’s rules, he’s either a pig, or immature. I’m growing more and more offended as I notice the culture around me saying it’s wrong to be a man, and that a societally acceptable man acts like a woman with a penis.

The few women I’ve truly cared for were not that way. They were different, and saw men as men, and women as women. No excuses necessary, no judgements, just amusement and sometimes exasperation.

Women, accept that men are different, and you’ll be happier. Don’t judge them by what you would do in their place – the Golden Rule is crap when it crosses genders.

Men, quit trying to be women. You won’t be happy, and you won’t make your woman happy. Don’t pay any attention to what the radio, TV, and the movies tell you women want. Act like a man, and you’ll have no problems in that regard, except with bitchy women you’d be better off without, anyway.

Soapbox off. Stepping down. Talk to you all soon,


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