Hey there - I'm back in Vegas!

Got all my stuff from New Orleans. The trip was good, good to get some visiting time wit muh dad... It was also the longest freakin' road trip EVER.

Got here, and somehow lost my cell phone. My land line wasn't hooked up then, and I had no internet... I was so disconnected from the world. It sucked. Also, my cell phone had all my phone numbers in it. So I lost everybody's number. Please send me your phone number, so I can put it in my new phone (as soon as it arrives).

My cell number will remain the same. Email me, and I'll give you my new number.

Well, I'm not going to write a lot tonight; it's been a long night, and I'm still unpacking stuff.

Talk to you all soon!

Jess

Hey there, everybody!

Life is continuing to go well. I'm going next week to get my stuff from New Orleans and bring it here to Vegas. My dad is using his truck and trailer for the haul. I can't say quite how grateful I am to him.

In fact, it's been amazing - this whole time, everybody gave everything they could. Way above and beyong just helping a little. It's extraordinary.

I just read Robert Jordan's new WoT book "Knife of Dreams." Although I have no idea what the "Knife of Dreams" the title references is, it's still undoubtedly his best book in a decade. He finally let the people at Tor edit it, and it's plain to see. More happens in the first 200 pages than in the previous five books combined. It's wonderful - the type of writing that makes me want to buy a copy for every person who enjoys that "Harry Potter" bullshit. Yes, I have read them. Yes, I still think they suck ass. They are not the worst-written thing I have ever read, but they're in the top (bottom) five.

Anyway, back to Robert Jordan... During the first few books of the WoT series, I was convinced he was as good as Tolkien, and better than all the others in fantasy, including George R. R. Martin, and Steven Brust, and Neil Gaiman, and David Gemmel. Then the books bogged down into a worthless mess of nothing happening despite thousands of pages of writing. The only reason I even read this book was because I wanted to see if I could tell a difference when he let it get a full editing cycle instead of a few weeks, like the last ones.

It's not perfect. There's still a wee bit too much spanking going on, and people being bitchy to each other. But we're finally seeing female characters being strong, instead of just glaring at each other (and men) hard enough to knock down stone/tear down walls/frighten Santa Claus. We're finally seeing male characters being strong, not just having expressions hard as stone/granite/steel/rock/teflon-coated aluminum.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you haven't read the last few books in the series. Let me give you a quick synopsis in case you want to skip them:

Blah, blah, blah...

Okay, so now you know - read books one through six, and the last page of book nine, skip book ten, and pick up book eleven. That should save you about 3,000 pages of reading.

And if you read just those, you'll be convinced (as I once was) that Jordan is indeed, the best fantasy author since Tolkien. His plots are so incredibly involved, and detailed... I love Joss Whedon for his characters, but the plots are usually kinda lame. If you could get Jordan to write plots for Whedon, or Whedon to flesh out characters for Jordan... It'd be the best writing ever.

Oh, and if you haven't done it yet - GO SEE "SERENITY"!!!!!

If you don't believe me, ask anybody who's seen it. Or go online - 9 out of 10 reviews rave about how great it is. But it's flopping hard-core, and this week is probably your last chance to see it on the big screen, and if it doesn't do decently this week, it puts the final nail in the coffin of them continuing the story in sequels.

I've long since gotten over Anna as a romantic partner. But as time goes by, I'm missing her friendship more and more, not less and less. You know, there's tons of advice for getting over relationships (all of which seems to be complete bullshit). But none about losing friends.

Oh well. I tried way too many times as it is. It's so easy to tell other people "He/she's not going to change! Quit hoping for what you know isn't going to happen!" It's a lot harder to do in your own life, though.

Well, on that note, I think I'm going to go to bed. In the last five weeks, I've

1) Evacuated (telling Amy Trail "I don't think it's going to be that bad" - don't depend on my forecasting!)
2) Lost everything
3) Tried out for American Idol, didn't make it. My only regret is that I know Anna is obsessed with that show, and I would have loved for her to see me on it. But damn, after seeing the audition process, I think that show is worthless!
4) Came to Las Vegas. Started working. Amazed by the musicians here.
5) Got a car, an apartment, and my life going again
6) Found out my stuff is fine, and my dad is willing to help me get it all here.
7) Went through the AI audition process again, but this time just to support a friend. Thought it sucked just as much as before.

It's been hectic. And I'm tired now.

Talk to you all later,
Jess

Now, it is no big secret to most of you that I'm not a big fan of marriage. Almost every marriage I see is a total farce, at best a toss-up as to whether it's a tragedy or a comedy. I can count the number of happy, stable marriages that I know of on one hand, and still have a finger or two left over.

If you really want to know the depth of my disdain for the institution in all its forms, email me, and I'll give you the full rant. I'm trying to keep this somewhat concise, though, since it's a preamble to what I actually want to blog about today.

I have played countless weddings ("uncounted" mainly 'cause I never counted them). I've seen every variation under the sun. They all had their mixture of awkwardness, happiness, sadness, more awkwardness, tension, joy, anticipation, boredom, more awkwardness, and the thrill of it finally being done... Like a hurdle that the guys just want to get over. A rite of passage that's necessary, but unwanted for the guys, and doesn't live up to expectations for the girls. I'm about as big a fan of weddings as I am marriages. Blech!!!

Except... What we all want is what I call "the Movie Wedding" - where every action is sincere and emotional. Where every ritual is profound and meaningful. Where the love and exuberance and romance never lets up for a second. And that it's the beginning to a romance that never fades.

I went to my cousin Ben's wedding last week. It was going to notable to me for three reasons:

1) It was my first wedding EVER where I didn't play the piano
2) Ben and I (and my 18-year-old cousin Ruth Ann) were the last hold-outs of our generation... Of my 14 siblings and cousins, everybody else had been married... Sometimes twice. Sometimes more than that. He and I were the last bachelors.
3) My cousin Ben and my brother David are the best men (by almost any standard - best looking, smartest, most respectful, funniest, etc... It's annoying at times) of our generation, and I was curious to see who he was going to marry. My brother David married the only perfect woman for him (his is one of the aforementioned happy and stable marriages I know of).

Well, I flew in early to meet Lorna, Ben's intended. First impression; incredible beauty. Great sense of humor. Seems like a great person.

Then the next day, they were telling a story about her and Ben riding horses, and Ben's suddenly took off galloping over a hill where she couldn't see him. At the time, she didn't know he was an excellent horseman. And she told me that she could just knew he was going to get thrown, and maybe paralyzed a la Superman... And she said she could see how the wedding and marriage was going to be with him as a quadraplegic... And the two of them started joking about going down the aisle with him blowing on a straw to make the chair go... On the one hand, the jokes were a little on the tacky and offensive side (not that that ever bothered me, particularly; I find everything in life funny). On the other hand, it was one of the sweetest things I'd ever heard. There was no doubt in either of their minds that they would be married, no matter what the circumstances, no matter the difficulties. Of all the things they were talking about, and worrying about, and planning, the marriage was never going to be in doubt.

Ah, but then there was the bachelor party.

Most bachelor parties are hedonistic affairs, with as much alcohol and sexual content as possible... Strippers are considered necessary, hookers are often involved. Illegal drugs are not uncommon, neither is incredibly stupid behaviour on everybody's part. After all, it's his "last night of freedom," right? My thought on that is that if you view that lifestyle as freedom, you're not ready to get married. I'm not condemning anybody's lifestyle; I know that most people would find mine offensive. But if that's what you want, then you don't really want marriage.

Well, here come's Ben's Bachelor party... We got toy guns (arc-soft pistols; think realistic looking BB guns that shoot plastic pellets), rented "Way of the Gun" and alternated between watching the movie and shooting the crap out of each other. Fun, fun, fun, and not something that his wife would cringe to know about.

The next morning (the day of the wedding), he took us to the St. Louis City Museum. What an incredible place - like a playground for adults. If you've never been there, I can't describe it - just GO! Anyway, we played "Sardines" for a few hours, then went to the "ball-pit" which is like a giant version of those McDonalds play-pens with the balls in the bottom, except this one had volleyballs, and was about 20 ft. square... Apparently, much of the courtship of Ben and Lorna took place at this museum.

Then he took us to a Castle-like tower at the edge of the place, and described flying into town without telling her, and how she met him there (at the tower), and as she was walking up the steps, he'd laid a rose on each step, and when she got to the top, he'd asked her to marry him.

Talk about smooth.

So, the groomsmen and groom were by this point dirty, sweaty, unshaven, smelly, and tired. So we went back, took showers, napped, and left for the big event.

Lorna was beyond radiant. She was the most excited and exuberant bride I've ever seen. She was so happy that she literally couldn't stand still. Ben was at the pinnacle of suave and romantic, at times murmuring into her ear, always touching her to just remain close... I have never seen a couple more in love, and I don't mean infatuation, I mean LOVE. The kind where they will be giggling and flirting with each other when they're 90.

I should mention that Ben is one of the most devout Christians I know. He is the poster child for what churches want men to be... Yet somehow, while living a completely clean and chaste life, he manages to be a lot of fun to be around, and not just for short periods of time. He never judges you for living differently than him, never comes across as preachy or superior; he just does it because he believes that's what God wants of him. He doesn't spend much time telling you what God wants of you; that's between you and God.

So it was quite appropriate that the ceremony had a great deal of religious content. It wasn't out of place or awkward, like it usually is. In fact, it would have felt incomplete without it. It was beautiful watching them take communion together, and praying together. It was so sincere...

The Big Wedding. I doubt I'll ever see one like that again. No awkward moments. No looking out of place. No doubts. No insincerity. Just love, and more love, and more love.

I will never get married, unless it can be like that.

Which shouldn't be too hard, since I don't expect that I'll ever get married!

Well, it’s been awhile since I posted, and so I’m going to have to do this in chunks, I think...

Before I say anything else, GO WATCH “SERENITY” IN THE MOVIE THEATERS!!! It opened weakly, and if it doesn’t do well, there may not be a sequel to it. AND I NEED MORE! Anyway, more on that later. Here's the low-down on my recent life.

1) ARRIVAL IN VEGAS:

I got to Las Vegas, without a clue what it would be like, or what the market was, or how the piano entertainers were.

Total And Complete Culture Shock!

The Architecture: Every casino is like a self-contained city. The bottom levels have the places to gamble, of course, but also streets, and shops, and theatres, and entertainment like you couldn’t believe. The Venetian has canals with gondolas that you can ride. Paris has a scale model of the Eiffel Tower. And so on. They’re not by any means true recreations of the original (I doubt a real New York street scene is anything like the New York, New York Casino lobby), but they are fascinating, nonetheless. I found myself in awe of each one I’ve been to see. And before you think I’m exaggerating about the “self-contained city” claim, consider this: the “Wynn” casino and hotel has 15,000 employees. That’s twice the size of my hometown. And of course, in addition to the lobbies, there are also the fountains of the Bellagio, the mall in front of Caesar’s Palace, the jungle of Mandalay Bay, and so on...

The Market: They need everything, and lots of it. Entertainment capital of the WORLD, baby! I can’t imagine that the rest of the US combined spends more on entertainment than Las Vegas. If I make it here, I’ll be making more than I ever could have in New Orleans (which was way more than I ever could have in Texas, so...).

The Piano Entertainers: Damn good. I mean, REALLY, REALLY GOOD. Everything that I prided myself on doing well, everybody here does better. Everything that I was worried might not be good enough for Vegas, isn’t. I’m bottom of the barrel here, just hoping I can improve fast enough to stay in the barrel.

2) THE PROBLEMS:

I arrived with very limited monetary assets (what my family was giving me, basically), no transportation, no contacts, and virtually no possessions aside from a few changes of clothing.

Well, through the internet, I found a lady who was willing to take me into her home (talk about trust!), which is what I did for a few days. I then proceeded to go to every piano bar I could find, and talk to the players, who put me in touch with the booking agent (Steve Beyer, who seems to have complete and total control over the LV piano scene – damn, but I hope I don’t piss him off!). He auditioned me, and is giving me shifts, partly out of a desire to help a Hurricane Katrina victim, and partly to see if I can get up to the level of the other entertainers here. I started working that week.

3) THE ENTERTAINERS (that I’ve worked with so far):

The Twins: Kim and Tam Pinegar – gorgeous blondes that headline “Harrah’s” – go to the website, and their pic is what they show. It would be impossible to find two nicer, big-hearted girls. It’s also intimidating sharing a stage with them, when all the guys start yelling “bring back the twins” whenever you walk on stage!

Van Walraven: A master of this show. He worked for Pat O’Brien’s in the early 90s, so he had a soft spot to help me out – went out and bought a keyboard and let me borrow it to practice on! He has had his own dueling pianos club, and now works in Vegas with his wife (also a dueling pianist). Great piano skills, great repertoire, great singer, and a high energy crowd pleaser.

Scott Nicholson: A great pianist (probably better than I am), a great singer, and one of the funniest guys I’ve ever met. I was laughing so hard it was hard to play.

Al Robinson: Imagine Joe Pesci as a dueling pianos entertainer... With a sarcastic bent, he berates the audience into loving him and giving him lots of money.

Joe Martell: a master of 80s music, with a tenor voice that lets him sing “Journey” songs in the original keys. If he wasn’t so nice, I’d hate him for that!

Bonnie Mizell: A gorgeous 26-year-old with a killer body, and a voice to match. Oh, and she got her Master’s degree in Piano Performance. And did I mention that her comedic timing is brilliant? Now if only she was an asian with a yearning for Jess and a huge sex drive, I'd be in love...

Mark Andert: The funniest guy I’ve EVER worked with; he has more one-liners and bits than you can imagine. When he’s onstage, it’s hard just to keep up. He has the audience captivated from the second he steps onto the stage until the moment he leaves.

Jeff Martin: Incredible repertoire, great jokes, but most of all, just a KILLER piano player. Originally a Jazzer (a real one, not a pretender like me), he shines when he cuts loose on the keys. I get nervous every time he throws me a solo, ‘cause my chops aren’t in the same ballpark as his. Hell, they’re not in the same league!

Have you noticed any reviews of crappy pianists here? Neither have I, ‘cause I haven’t worked with anybody who’s less than brilliant.

4) THE PROGRESS:

Well, I’m now in a place that has full internet access, which has allowed me to get back in touch with people, catch up with a lot of news and info, and generally be a happier man. I’ve played six shifts total (five in the last week), and made enough money to buy an old car (a 1994 Ford Explorer). That’s the transportation problem solved, which was a huge problem. I’ve got just enough left to buy a ticket to St. Louis on the 17th, where I’m going to meet up with my dad. I found out a couple of days ago that all my stuff is okay, including my car. So we’re going to drive from St. Louis to New Orleans, pack up, drive from New Orleans to Las Vegas, unload (into a mini-storage), and he’ll head back to St. Louis with my car, which he’s buying for my step-mom. Assuming I can get ahold of my Allstate agent, who hasn’t been returning my calls. I mean, what could she possibly be busy with?

I’m on the schedule for four shifts this week, and I’m hoping to keep busy. The more I play, the faster I’ll learn, methinks.

So, that’s enough typing for now. I plan to address some other stuff soon, like my cousin’s wedding (incredible) and the movie “Serenity” (go see it, damn it!).

Talk to you all soon,
Jess

Sometimes, I’m not the brightest of people.

On a whim, I called up Anna, and as always, I got her answering machine. I haven’t heard her voice in almost a year, I think. I’m not completely certain of that timeframe, but I believe it’s accurate. So I’m talking to her answering machine, and I say something like “I’m starting a new life in Vegas. I’m saying goodbye to a lot of things that I’ll miss. But I miss you the most – and I hope that we can be friends again. If you miss me at all, please email me, or call, or text me... If not, then I’ll try to leave you alone.”

Of course, being me, there was a lot more stammering and William Shatner like pauses, but that was the gist of it. And of course, she didn’t email me, or call, or text. Which means I have to try to leave her alone.

I rarely ever give up on anybody. Though passions may fade, or friendships grow distant, I still care very much about all my friends and lovers from the past. But that’s not normal, I think. It’s perhaps not healthy, either, since I feel a responsibility to all those I care about to try to make their lives as wonderful as mine has become. And I’m coming to grips with the fact that I can’t change anybody’s life. And I’m learning that for some people, a memory is all they want me to be.

Knowing it doesn’t make me any less sad about it, though. And I still wish I had the power to make people happier, to make their lives more meaningful, and to lift the obstacles out of their paths. And I mourn for those friends who have put me behind them. I am not grieved so much for their sakes, but for my own. My life was ever the richer when Anna was a part of it, and Andrea, and Heather, and Sarah, and Melody, and all the others that have disappeared along the way. But I am trying still to learn how to give up on them.

My life is in an interesting period of transition. I’m starting to let go of the thought of becoming famous – it seems ever less likely each year that goes by. I still have every intention of trying, but I spend less of my emotional energy in that direction. Ironically, this is happening while I am expanding my abilities musically, and my career is becoming increasingly more prosperous.

I am in Vegas, and the dueling pianists here are phenomenally good. And I’m good enough to be one of them (barely). I still have a lot of work I need to do on my show, but I’m not completely and totally out-classed (just mostly). Which is reassuring. The pay here is the best I’ve encountered, and the environment wonderful. All of the sudden, though, I’m a little tiny minnow in a huge, huge freakin’ pond.

So I have every intention of growing as fast as I can.

Last year around this time, I got an emotional charge out of walking up and down Bourbon St. in New Orleans, and realizing there weren’t a whole lot of musicians that I felt were significantly better than I was. I felt like maybe I was ready for the Big Time. Well, Las Vegas is certainly the Big Time, but walking up and down the strip, I haven’t heard a whole lot of musicians that weren’t better than me. The talent pool here is just that good. But if I can make it here, then...

The other option is playing on a cruise line. I’ve gotten an offer that is hard to turn down. So I may not. But either way, it’s looking like leaving New Orleans is going to be good for my career.

Still, I miss George and Amy a lot (fellow Pat O’s players). I miss Katie immensely, and I somehow feel in my gut that our lives are unlikely to be so close again. And there’s no denying that I had something magical in New Orleans... Living on Bourbon St., playing at the world’s most famous dueling pianos bar... It was special, and worthy of many fond remembrances.

I told Anna a little over a year ago that I was going to get in shape, and I did. I told her that I was going to take dancing lessons, and become a good dancer, and I did. I told her I was going to get my finances in better shape, and I did. I told her I was going to fix up a little apartment in the French Quarter with a courtyard, and I did. But I didn’t do these things only to impress her; they were the next step in becoming the man I want to be.

And now it’s time to set new goals, and I think I know what the next steps are. I’m going to become debt-free, and start by paying off my long delayed college loans. I’m going to continue my efforts to eat healthier, and exercise well. I’m going to learn to speak Spanish, because I think it would be highly useful. I’m going to get back into the martial arts, and possibly take up sword fighting. I’m going to continue my dancing lessons. I’m not bad, but I want to be able to take a girl Salsa dancing, and just impress the hell out of her.

These seem kind of like “New Year’s Resolutions,” which I’ve never been in the habit of making. But this is truly a new year for me. Not just an arbitrary date on a calendar, but a genuinely new beginning in my life.

The older I get, the more I cherish life, and fun, and friendship, and love. No, I don’t anticipate falling in love again. But if I do, it will have to be an incredible, incredible girl to top the ones I’ve fallen for before. So I’m going to try to become the type of man that is worthy of such a girl. If she never appears, then I’m still a better man for it.

Life seems so short, and so fragile. I want to spend every second of it growing, and becoming a better person, and enjoying each breath. That seems the only decent way to repay God for the wonderful gift of life itself. I don’t ever want to have wasted it.

You only get one shot at life, and I’m going to give it everything I have.

Talk to you later,
Jess

Hey everybody! Can't write long - I'm in the airport at a layover in Denver, flying to St. Louis to see my cousin Ben get married (traitor to the Bachelor Cause!).

I can't access my blog or jessmills.com accounts at the place where I'm staying. The lady I'm staying with has internet, but something about her settings makes it to where I can only access yahoo, and nothing else.

Vegas is going exceedingly well. The pianists here are FREAKIN' INCREDIBLE. They're just awesome, and everything I did in New Orleans that made me cool - they all do, and do better.

But I managed to find plenty of work, and it looks like this is definitely going to be my new home.

I was figuring it out, and unless I was either the winner or runner-up of American Idol, I'm doing better than if I'd made it onto the show. As I've continually noticed, my life never goes where I plan it, but it always goes better than I could have dreamed.

By the way, if you've never been here, Las Vegas ROCKS.

Well, I'll talk to you all soon,
Jess

Well, here it is, Monday morning.

Colorado is as beautiful as they claim. The air is so fresh that I keep going outside just to smell it. The sky is beautiful, and you can see the stars at night.

The roads suck. Well, not exactly suck; they're well constructed. They're just insane, have virtually no signs, and it's hard to get to one place from another. And the maps are all really poor. So I've started adding a half-hour to my transit time for being lost. Which gives me more of a chance to see lovely Denver, and it is really lovely.

I went to see my brother and his family last night. It was great. Amy (his wife) has apparently been either exercising a lot, eating a very healthy diet, or both - she's looking great. David is (as usual) completely on top of his game - he's up for promotion to Major, is working on a PhD, and his cadets (from all accounts, not just his) love his classes. His kids are just fantastic. Energetic, enthusiastic, but well behaved. Joe (around three years old) is obsessed with "The Incredibles." At any moment, he'll look at you and proudly proclaim "I Dash!" to which you must of course confirm that yes, he is indeed Dash. His younger brother Matthew is very friendly, and thought I was the greatest thing since... Okay, he probably doesn't have any previous great things to compare me to, except milk, nipples, and a good diaper filling. But I think I'm up there.

We went out to eat, and were able to do so with the whole entourage. It was great.

It made me realize both how much I'd love to have a family, and how unlikely it is that I will.

I'm starting to get really excited about Vegas. I've never been there, so all I have is imagination. But I've got so many ideas about ways to have a great life there. One I'm thinking about is - if I play in a Casino/Hotel, could I negotiate a room as part of my contract? It would mean I'd have to go super-simplistic on the possessions, but I can handle that! All I really want is a keyboard, computer, bed, bookshelf, and a wet bar. That'd be high living for me. And at this point, everything I own fits in a suitcase.

Of course, that's just a thought.

My brother and me were having a semi-philosophical discussion about the nature of ownership. We agreed that people in general (and sometimes including us) just have too much stuff. You spend money buying it. You spend money maintaining it. You spend money upgrading it, or getting a better one, or more of whatever it is. And then you spend all your time working to make all this money, so you don't ever have time to enjoy it, or even use it as much as you thought you would.

So I'm going to try to take this opportunity to really simplify my life. If I get my stuff back, and it's okay, then GREAT. But if not, I'm not going to replace most of it. The things I'll use every day; those I'll get. The rest I'll learn to do without.

People kept expecting me to get excited about the American Idol auditions, but it just didn't excite me. It didn't seem like a real chance, just a fluke that happened to one out of about 5,000 people (just to get on the show, that is) that tries. I prefer to base my life and my hopes on things I can actually influence, where I'll be judged on talent and skill. And that's what I'm hoping to find in Vegas. I've proven that I can fill a room and rock the crowd in San Antonio, and Austin, and New Orleans. I've proven everybody wrong who said I wasn't cut out for this biz, to where now people say "You have such a natural gift for it" - which is about the highest compliment (if a completely mistaken one) that I can be paid.

Now, can I do it in the big-time? I'm about to find out, and I'm really excited.

Talk to you all soon,
Jess

Well, I'm officially NOT the next American Idol.

Everybody's trying to be consoling, but they don't realize I didn't have any hopes pinned on it.

I waited for hours in the sun, and finally got my thirty seconds of audition. I sang the hell out of my song, and was quite pleased. I didn't make it, obviously, but that's okay. I heard some UNBELIEVABLY good voices that didn't make it. And I heard some really crappy ones that did, and a lot of mediocre ones. It just reaffirmed my opinion that voice is the least important thing on AI.

I'm headed to Vegas on Wednesday - a really nice lady is letting me stay with her while I look for work. As I mentioned previously, Hurricane Katrina is bringing out some incredible generosity that simply boggles my mind...

Well, I must run. I'm visiting with my brother (Dave, AKA Jess).

Talk to you all soon,
Jesss

Hey there - waited in line today at the American Idol auditions. Woo-hoo! Okay, not so much woo. Or hoo, for that matter. More like a big yawn, as I had to get up at 4:30 to get there on time.

The rules said that under no circumstance would anybody be allowed to line up before 6:00 am. Well, we got there at about 5:45, and there were at least a thousand people already in line, if not more.

So much for following the rules.

But I got my nifty wristband, and my ticket for a seat in the auditorium. And I also got a firsthand look at just how many people are doing this thing. It's got to be incredible luck, in addition to everything else. I've never been surrounded by so many pretty people all at once - so even with my postulate concerning the "look" of it, I still have no idea what they'll do to narrow the competition.

But I'm sure I'll find out tomorrow.

I'm hoping to get past the first round. That's as far as my hopes go. But I'm not counting on it.

Talk to you all soon, with more details. Or to be more precise, with some details.

Jess

Well, I'm about finished with my time in Nacogdoches (affectionately known here as "Nac-o-nowhere").

It's been great hanging with my friend Herb (www.herbertmidgley.com), and he's been unbelievably helpful, as well as encouraging and even inspirational (and a few other adjectives). Due to his help, I went ahead and recorded a rough version of a song I wrote a month or two ago, called "One Shot at Life."

It was inspired by a friend of mine who seemed to live life to its fullest, until she suddenly changed all of her dreams and ambitions, and settled down with a rich doctor. Not that there's anything wrong with being married to a rich doctor; I may even do that someday. It's just that she gave up all her plans and everything she'd told me she wanted out of life.

Of course, in the process of writing the song, that went from being the focus of it to being a side-story. I can't be held responsible for what happens when I try to write songs, can I?

Anyway, Herb recorded a video of me playing and singing it in the Recital Hall of SFA, and put the video on the web. You can find it at www.jessmills.com/Movies/oneshotatlife.mov, or www.jessmills.com/Movies/oneshotatlife2.mov - the first is faster, the second is better quality.

It's very much a ROUGH draft. The vocals are a first take (you know how that usually turns out). I'm still not completely happy with all the lyrics. And it's just currently piano, drums, bass, and fake strings. So a few months from now, I should have a polished version of it. But hey, it's something, right?

Other than that, I'm not doing too much.

I'm still just in awe of how willing everybody is to help me out. I'm trying really hard not to be a burden on anyone, but my sister and parents have sent massive amounts of help my way. My other sister and my brother have offered help. The Parrs have just put me up without complaint for two weeks. Almost everybody I know has offered to let me sleep on his or her couch until I get settled. One professor offered to buy me a new wardrobe. Strangers buy my drinks when I go to the bars (which close at FREAKIN' MIDNIGHT here!).

I'm pretty laid back and optomistic about life, but I tend to be very cynical and disbelieving when it comes to other people. But this is truly proving me wrong - it's bringing out all of the best traits of humanity. It's a wonderful, amazing thing to witness. I just wish I could be on the giving end of things, rather than the receiving.

Well, I'll let you all know what happens with American Idol (nothing, I'm sure), and Vegas (a few STDs, probably).

Take care, and I'll talk to you all soon,
Jess

Not a whole lot of new stuff to report. Still living on Dr. Parr's couch. People are still offering incredible amounts of generosity. So far I haven't had to accept that much help, but it may change. Still flying out to American Idol auditions in a week. Should be most amusing. And after that I'm flying to Vegas to try to get a job.

My cousin is getting married in a couple of weeks - I really, really, really want to go, but I'm not sure if I can. You know, Katrina just paid no attention to my schedule. Most inconvenient.

The weird thing is that people seem to be waiting for me to break down. Maybe I should, but it doesn't seem that bad to me. I'm alive, and so is everybody I love. I'm completely healthy, and have possibilities for employment. The rest just doesn't seem like a tragedy, just a minor annoyance.

Please keep in mind; I'm not speaking for everybody who went through it, just myself. Some people are facing incredible tragedy.

And life still seems wonderful. I'm practicing Beethoven for hours every day on Dr. Parr's Steinway, and falling in love with music all over again as a result. I'd forgotten how wonderful and rich a piano could sound. It's almost better than sex. Now if only I could combine the two somehow...

I saw a game show on one of the Spanish channels, and though I have no idea why, there was a guy dressed like an evil power ranger that would do a funky dance whenever a contestant got a right answer (when they got it wrong, their parents - locking in a glass jar - would have water poured higher and higher around them). I had no idea what the show was, or what it's point was. But I couldn't help but laugh.

My family and friends have been so incredibly supportive. One of my former professors tried to buy me a new wardrobe, 'cause he felt like he should help! I couldn't take him up on it, but it was so sweet.

Anna emailed me for the first time since my birthday. I wrote her back a snarky note, wondering why it took a natural disaster to hear from her. On the one hand, it was quite immature. On the other, it felt pretty good. So she may not ever write me again - at this point, it's kinda hard to tell the difference.

So anyway, all of you please keep emailing me, if you don't mind - it's great to know you care! I can't answer all of them (I got 42 today, and I only get to be on the internet for about 30 minutes every other day), but I still like to read them!

talk to you later,
Jess

Hey there to everybody -

My apologies to all that I've talked to in the last couple of days... I wasn't exactly depressed, I just wanted to be left alone while I figured everything out.

Having said that, it's amazing how many have called. I had no idea that many people cared about me. Being all emotional, it gave me the sniffles thinking about it. I know, it makes no sense that I wanted to be left alone, but I'm glad they all called. Oh well, it's a time of crisis; I'm allowed to be inconsistent.

For those who don't know, I lost everything. My car, my clothes, my job, my apartment... If there's anything salvagable, I won't even know for a few months, since they're not letting anyone in for (last I heard) 16 weeks.

Mainly, I'll miss my job. How I loved that job.

The rest, though... It's just stuff. And I'm realizing just how unimportant stuff is. I have my family, and they're so wonderful. And I have all my friends (that called even though I was rather surly). I have people that care about me, and people I care about. So the stuff is just stuff.

On the plus side, I'm living on Dr. Parr's couch at the moment, and he has a Steinway that I've been playing about eight hours a day, and I'm in love again. I forgot how wonderful a piano can sound, and there's nothing I can feel that the piano can't make better. I love music.

I'll talk to you all soon,

Jess

Hey there, everybody!

I'm alive, and well, and in Nacogdoches of all places. That's Nacogdoches, TX, if you have no idea what I'm talking about.

I'm hoping that I'm not homeless, but I won't know for certain for awhile... I'm hoping the same for Katie.

Katie and I decided to carpool, which is of course why I'm in Nac - I'm staying with Dr. Parr (her dad). I've been wandering around the SFA campus, feeling extremely old.

I may not be at a computer again for awhile - but thanks for all your emails... And I couldn't believe the calls - almost every single person in my cell phone phonebook called. Thanks. And this time, your concern was not only appreciated, but it was also matched by my own. This was a scary one, and I'm glad that we got enough warning to get the hell out of Dodge.

Take care, all, and as soon as I can, I'll be back online. I'm just hoping it will be from home, and not from a shelter!

Thanks again,
Jess

So, I'm on the schedule to work at 7:00 tonight, and 8:00 tomorrow night.

I was feeling unexpectedly tired, so I crawled into bed at 5:00 am.

Woke up, looked at the clock, and it said 7:24. I had no recollection of when I'd gone to bed, all I knew is that it was monday. I panic; I've never been late to work here. And I've never been 24 minutes late to work ANYWHERE. In showbiz, that's usually an automatic firing.

So, in full panic mode, I'm out the door with my bag, fully dressed at 7:27. That's when I realize; it's 7:27 am, not pm.

Can you say "dumbass"?

In other news, I now have my tickets, car reservation, and hotel reservation for my American Idol audition. It's a whole lotta money for nothing, but hey, it's always worth a shot. At this point, I'm still trying to find several different songs that are right for my voice. I don't think they'll let me audition with "The Itsy Bitsy Spider," though. Or if I do, I doubt I'll get very far at all.

Of course, if it wasn't my only year to try to audition, I'd probably do it anyway, just to see the judges faces...

Well, I'm going to try to go back to bed. Good morning, everybody!

Jess

Tonight I was missing my South Texas roots, so I made some enchiladas and spanish rice. Well, the rice I didn't really cook - I just opened up a box of "Goya Spanish Rice" and poured it in boiling water, with a little onion, pepper, and cilantro added. So I more heated it than made it. But that's beside the point.

After I was through eating, I went online to read the news. I'm a news junkie. And there was an article about Texas now being a "Majority Minority" state.

Well, first off - the U.S. of A. is going to be a "Majority Minority" country in a few years. I'm wondering - can I get minority protection then?

In some ways, the whole issue seems idiotic to me. Why does it matter? It should be about equality and fairness for everybody. What does it matter whether you're minority, or majority, or white, or black, or hispanic, or Asian-American, or Scandinavian-American, or Irish-American, or Jamaican-American, or Asian-Pacific-Islander American, or whatever? Legally speaking, I think we should all be considered American, and let the issue die there. Let culture and heritage stand on their own, with no legal prejudice in any direction.

On the other hand, I have always found Latina and Asian girls really hot.

So the hispanic population is booming. Why is this a surprise? It's a culture that celebrates large families. That's how we Irish got to be a majority in the US - we used to keep on popping out kid after kid!

It's not so common now, since we've been taught by society to limit the number of children so we can buy them more education, fancier clothes, lots and lots of electronic junk...

As I get older, it seems less and less likely I'll have a family (it would be helpful to at least get a girlfriend first, and I'm having no luck with that!), and if I do, it will probably be a small one. Unless of course, I've got dozens of illegimate kids running around out there. If so, good luck! Look me up someday, and wonder how you got such a deadbeat dad!

But growing up, I remember being the youngest of five. And yeah, it was tough. And yeah, our house was way too small (seven people in less space than my current apartment... Yikes!). And we wore crappy worn-out hand-me-downs (which were REALLY worn out by the time I got to wear them).

But still, I remember the love I got from my brothers and sisters. I remember thinking that my older brother David knew everything, and was the smartest person ever (okay, so I still think that, and he continues to prove me right). I remember my sister trying desperately to make me less of a nerd (it finally kinda worked, Amy! I mean Jes!). It's no secret I hated my childhood, and have very few good memories of it. But the ones I have are all of the love and support I got from my family. Well, that, and the first time I saw a naked woman. Which, now that I think about it, was on a video my sister had. Damn, I love my family!

Small families have a lot of advantages, But sometimes, I think the mainstream culture has forgotten the beauty of large families. And if it takes another culture to come in and remind us - so much the better!

Besides, though I do love Oriental food, and Italian food, is there anything better tasting than good mexican food?

Talk to you all later,
Jester

Anybody who knows me knows my Joss Whedon obsession. I have the complete collection of Angel, Buffy, and Firefly on DVD. I can't wait to see "Serenity," and I'm really excited (I never thought I'd say THIS) about the possibilities for "Wonder Woman."

There are certain hallmarks to his style that I love; the incredibly clever dialogue. The mix of genres, to where you're not sure if you're watching comedy, horror, sci-fi, drama, romance... The fact that sometimes your favorite characters get killed off when doing something dangerous, so you never feel completely secure about what's going to happen. For that matter, the complete disregard for where plots are SUPPOSED to go, in favor of where Joss thinks they SHOULD go. I even love the flaws in the characters. Buffy was an arrogant, lying girl, who wasn't always that bright. Willow had confidence and self-esteem issues that weren't solved in thirty minutes and a pep talk. Angel was way too depressed. And I think the doctor on "Firefly" was equally attracted to his sister and to Jayne (Adam Baldwin's character).

Okay, now that I think about it, the last one is just really ooky.

But anyway, I was watching an episode of "Firefly" a few minutes ago, and I realized what I loved the best about Joss Whedon. His characters come together to form a dysfunctional, messed-up family unit that is both utterly believable and wholly endearing.

And it makes me realize how much I miss my family.

I do have the coolest family of anyone I know. We've all gone in such disparate directions, but all pursued our dreams. And my siblings and I have one other thing in common; at one time or another, we've all been Jess.

Okay, you're wondering what the hell I'm talking about. It's not the crack, I tell you. I've got that under control, and I can quit any time I want.

First there was my oldest brother, Michael Jess. He got the name fair and square. And then I was named Jess Tandy, so I got it fair and square, too.

Then a few years ago, my brother got bored with being named "David." But while he wanted to change his name, he wanted to have something familiar. So he called me up and asked how I felt. I loved the concept. Having a brother with the same name as me - how awesome is that? Besides, he's the eccentric genius of the family, he's allowed such things.

Sadly, he ended up changing it back about a year ago. I mourned. I think his wife still calls him "Jess" though - that's what he was named when they met.

So then my sister Amy called me a few weeks (months?) ago, and asked how I felt. Again, loving the concept here. So she legally changed her name to Jes Mills. In full, it's either Jes Amy Elizabeth Mills, or Jes Elizabeth Amy Mills. I can't remember. (Elizabeth was my grandmother's name, and we both miss her immensely)

She's the one who just graduated college (Jes, not my dead grandmother). She just started working in the publishing industry, and just got a divorce, and in general, is just starting a completely different chapter in her life. And she wanted to start it with a new name. I think she picked a great one.

Now we've just got to talk my sister Tammy into thinking about her name...

I love my family, and when I become a millionaire, I'm building a giant mansion where we can all live close together. With our own wing each, so we don't have to live THAT close together.

Talk atcha later,
Jester

I have a T-Shirt that says "Never Underestimate the Power of Stupid People in Large Groups."

In a way, I find stupidity amusing - it's one of the reasons I love my job. Drunk people get really stupid, and it's an endless source of fun for me to watch and be amazed by.

On the other hand, sober stupidity is less fun.

We live in a democracy (kinda - technically, it's a republic; a representative democracy, and even that's somewhat questionable these days). Which means if the masses are stupid, they put stupid people in power. Not that our choices have been all that great the last few years; Gore, Kerry, Bush... I wouldn't really vote for any of these guys for President of the Bingo Club, much less of the United States (is there a President of the Bingo Club? I need to look into that).

In fact, I didn't vote for any of them. I vote Libertarian, which means I will never, ever see anybody I vote for get into office. But at least I vote for what I believe, not "the lesser of two evils," which I think means you need to find another choice.

However, the majority of the United States put Bush into office. And every time I think I can like him less, I find myself to be mistaken. I've seen bumper stickers that say "He's not MY president," but that's bullshit. I'm American, and I'm proud to be so, even when we're doing something really, really stupid. So he's my president. And he's a moron.

Now he's pushing for "Intelligent Design" to be taught in the classrooms. Bad enough that "Abstinence Only" education has made strides; we all know that teenagers only want to have sex if they're well-educated about it. Keep 'em ignorant, and there won't be ANY premarital sex! And we'll win this War On Drugs any day now, too.

But "Intelligent Design" is worse - it's faith masquerading as science. It's completely lacking in objectivity and rational thought. It's taking a foregone conclusion, and altering the facts (and ignoring others) to achieve that conclusion. It's the opposite of science. It's the opposite of logical and critical thinking, and it's exactly what we SHOULDN'T be teaching in schools.

If your faith requires you to lie to yourself and your children, to ignore what truth is, you need to find another faith. The God I believe in said "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free."

I don't need to believe that Noah put 5,000 species of mammal onto a boat to believe that God saves us. I don't need to believe that you have to pluck out your eye and cut off your hand if you need to stop sinning. There are stories in the Bible meant to prove a point. And if you take them and try to force reality around them, you're in for a world of confusion, and ultimately, deception. And I can't handle a religion that seeks truth through deceiving yourself. That's not the God I believe in.

For more info on the whole Bush and "Intelligent Design" topic, visit
http://pharyngula.org/index/weblog/comments/bush_endorses_intelligent_design_creationism/

It's much like Astrology. Everybody down here believes in and swears by Astrology. I've already offended one friend by saying in my blog I don't believe in it. It's hard not to email Phil Plait's complete debunking of it to everybody I've met since moving here
( http://www.badastronomy.com/bad/misc/astrology.html )
It's hard not to challenge them to come up with one credible shred of evidence for it, or to give them a complete description of one of my siblings, down to every personality trait, and tell them to come up with his or her sign. It should be obvious, right?

But critical thinking is not taught anywhere. I don't know whether that's new, or it's always been this bad. I'm not old enough to know. I know it seems as bad with the people in their 50s as it does with the people in their 20s. Everybody seems to go for the easy answer. His/her/my flaws are all based on my Astrological Sign. I can't help it.

Bullshit. My flaws are mine. Not my sign's. Not my parents'. Not my upbringing's.

Your faults are yours. You have no excuses, and neither do I.

Unless you're drunk. In which case, hey, I understand. It's how I make my living, and how I get most of my fun.

But if you're sober; I challenge you to do what I've been struggling all my life to do (and often failing) - think about it. Whatever it is. Don't go with the easy answer. Really, really, really think about it.

I'm going to go think about lunch now.

Jester

So, I walk into Pat O'Brien's for my last set last night. They announced my name, and that I was coming back onto the stage - and I got a standing ovation.

It was both exhilarating and terrifying - it definitely made me feel like I'm better than I've ever been before. On the other hand, what if this is it? As good as it gets? I'm at the top, and I'll never go farther?

American Idol auditions are coming up, and I'm trying out this year. Like everybody else, I have the dream of making it onto the television. But I know I have no chance. My voice, although far better than it's ever been, is just mediocre. My stage presence, which is the hallmark of my show, is based on the piano. My experience working a crowd, at which I've become exceedingly good, is based on them being drunk. My repertoire of songs - not needed.

So I'm going to audition, and get turned down, and figure out where to go with my career from there.

But what a great training ground and career move the piano bar has been! I've learned more about music and showmanship in the last three years than I did in the 25 years of my life before that. Of course, that's not saying too much.

Katie is now in her own place, and though I miss her company, it's nice to be able to walk around my house naked when I want. Or to bring home dates and not say "No, Katie's not my girlfriend. No, I'm serious. Where are you going? Come back!"

But getting that apartment finished for her has dominated my life for the last few months. Hence the lack of Blog posting. Also a lack of songwriting, piano practicing, and new-songs-for-work learning. But life is settling back into its routines, and that's good.

Now if I can just get back to work on my CDs!

Jess

My communication skills are getting worse, apparently. I'm still having people ask me why their pictures aren't up in my "friends" page, but only one person has sent me her photo since the last time I ranted about this.

Aarrggghhh!!!! I can't put up photos I don't have! And I mainly associate with highly intelligent people, too!

Okay, that's enough exclamation points for one paragraph.

I've been hearing that RobThomas song "Lonely No More" a lot, and there's one section that I just couldn't believe the lyrics. It's all cheesy pop/rock music and words, but right after he says
"Now it's hard for me when my heart's still on the mend
Open up to me..."

And all the music cuts out, and clear as day, I'd swear he said "And I could do your girlfriends."

Which, hey, I can understand the sentiment, but I couldn't believe it was in the song. But no matter how many times I listened to it, I couldn't hear anything else.

But then Katie just had to ruin it for me. She informed me that it's "Like you do your girlfriends."

I liked my version better. And it's still what I hear.

Speaking of Katie, she's the best roommate ever. If any of you all are looking for a roommate, I suggest finding one like her. The only possible improvement would be if I could hypnotize her and convince her she's a nymphomaniac that really wants only Jess Mills.

Can't have everything, though, you know? Well, not until I take over the world.

My CDs have started selling again. I guess I'm getting a good enough name at Pat O's that people are getting interested. But it's scary, though. I don't think "Right Out of the Blue" is a good representation of who I am, and what I can do now. But that's just incentive to get back to hardcore working on my next CD.

And Jonathan sent me the refined product of the songs we did last summer. The man is a freakin' GENIUS. I am so giving him as much credit as I can on the CD.

One year of living in New Orleans, and I'm still not a vampire. Crap. But I do completely live the hours of one, though.

Well, it's almost dawn, so I'll crawl back into my coffin. Vote early, vote often!

Jess

Well, I've been in a weird mood today... I've been pondering all my failed relationships, yet though I'm somewhat nostalgic, I'm not depressed.

I don't hate any of my exes. I'm not mad at any of them. And in virtually every case (there are an exception or two), I know exactly why we're not together. And it's usually a good thing. For one thing, few of the girls I've been with would really able to handle my current lifestyle. And I'm capable of taking chances with my career that I simply couldn't, otherwise.

But still, I miss hearing Andrea sing. I miss getting into philosophical debates with Jolie, and losing. Damn, that girl is smart. I miss Sarah's good heart. I miss the other Sarah's wit, and mastery of everthing that I prided myself on... I miss most everything about Anna, during the time when I was important to her.

I think of them, and get warm fuzzies. I wish I could have them back, if just for a little while. But life is not about backwards motion. No matter how wonderful something is, you can never return to it. And if you can accept that, the future is a better place. There's always something in the horizon that is better than what is left in your wake. All those girls I just mentioned are married now. It would be arrogant to think I could possibly make them happier than their husbands do. And I've never been accused of arrogance. Or sarcasm.

I really want this to be the year I get my career going. And to do so, I can't afford to be worried about the toll it will take on a relationship. Luckily, there aren't exactly any girls lining up to try to change my mind. Although, if there are any girls reading this that might want to try - here's a hint; it's all about plentiful sex. Lots and lots of it. Possibly with some of your female friends involved.

Okay, it was worth a shot.

Some of my exes, I remain very close friends with. I can't imagine not being close to Lynnette, for instance. It would be weird to go too long without touching base with her. I wish that were the case in all of them. But as a good friend of mine told me tonight, "part of the human condition is that it is sometimes necessary to shut someone out to get over them. They leave you in their wake, or you leave them in yours... It's part of being human."

I want to be a superhero. I want to save the world. Unfortunately, my superpower is the ability to play "Brown-Eyed Girl" and "Margaritaville." There's really not an arch-nemesis for that. Maybe the sound system at "Pat O'Brien's" - if so, I'm so getting my ass kicked on a regular basis. Besides, how do you draw a comic book around that plot?

But I'm so happy with my life that I want to fix all the problems in my friend's lives. And I can't do that. It's very hard to accept that I can't make everybody happy. I can't save the world for anybody but myself. I'm my own superman, and my own kryptonite. And we're all that way, when it comes down to it.

And to all you superman fanatics out there - I know what green kryptonite does. I know what red kryptonite does. But what does the gold kryptonite do? I always forget. And doesn't "Kryptonite" by "3 Doors Down" have great drumwork?

Well, to all the people left in my wake, and in whose wake I am drifting. I miss you guys. I hope our paths cross again, and if not, I hope your path has a lot of happiness, and very little kryptonite.

Jester