Friday, October 08, 2004

You know, I'm just going to vent about something private, and probably not that humorous, so feel free to skip this one.

I don't fall for girls. I have a long history of not falling for girls. I like girls, I date them, I love their company. I'm as heterosexual as a man can get. But I don't get attached, and I don't fall in love.

When people hear this, or when they notice it, they talk to me about how I have to let go. How I have to risk my heart. Or how there's such a shell of protective armor around my deepest emotions. How someday some girl will overcome it, if only I let her. How I can't be afraid to fall in love.

And it's all bullshit. I have no protective armor. There's no wall to my emotions. Either I'm different, because I simply don't fall in love, or I'm the same as everybody, but simply more honest with myself. I don't know which, all I know is that I don't create emotions or attachments where there aren't any.

This last year, I fell in love. It didn't take effort. There was no letting go. There was no fear. I met the girl for me, and I fell in love. Hadn't felt that way about a girl in years, and years.

It ended badly. It happens. That's life. We're currently not speaking. We may change that someday, we may not. Who knows.

But when I try to talk to my friends about it, all they want to do is talk about protective armor, and taking a chance on love, and not letting this one scare me away from future love. And I want to scream "DON'T PUT ME IN A BOX!!! LISTEN TO ME, TO WHAT I'M SAYING, NOT WHAT EVERYBODY ELSE HAS SAID IN THE PAST!!!!" But I can't, because they mean well. They're just putting themselves where they think I am, instead of thinking about me being where I am.

Ironically, there's one girl that understood me well enough not to do that. To actually listen to me, and think about what I'm saying, not just what everybody else would do. Of course, it's the girl I fell for, and am not speaking to. And even if we were speaking, I don't think that would be a good topic.

I just wish that I could talk to someone without them immediately saying "We all go through that" or "I've been there" and proceeding to show that no, they really haven't. I wish I could tell someone I'm happy it happened just so I could feel what it was like to be in love, without them proceeding to talk about how it's great I've learned to tear down those walls, yada yada yada, and how now I'm ready to find the right person, and fall in love, and live happily ever after.

I DID find the right person! Why don't they listen? I'm not out to replace her. I'm not out to fall in love again. And if I grow old by myself, that's GREAT by me. I've lived by myself for years now, and I gotta say, it's the way to go.

Being alone doesn't scare me. Never falling in love again doesn't scare me. Spending the rest of my life without a spouse doesn't scare me. If I had a choice, I'd rather spend it with her. But not because I want somebody to love. Not because I need somebody there for me. Not because of any fears, or gaps, or incompleteness, or anything like that. Just because of who she is.

So, if you've actually read this... If you tell me that I'm going to make some girl really happy someday, or that there's a beautiful heart under my cynical exterior, or that I'll fall in love again if I just have faith...


Thank you, and have a nice day.

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