I want to have super powers. I really, really want to.
But I don’t want to be a superhero, or an archnemesis of one.
First of all, there’s the whole cape issue. Everybody knows that capes are cool. But none of us get to wear them! I want to walk down the street with my cape billowing out behind me. I want people to see the cape, and immediately know I have super powers of one variety or another. But no, if I were to wear a cape, people would think I was a gay musician, or a circus performer. Not that there’s anything wrong with those lifestyles, of course. But they’re not me.
On the other hand, I don’t want to wear spandex. That only looks good on... Okay, I can’t actually think of any guys it looks good on. There are a few chicks I know that look good in spandex, but crime-fighting isn’t what I’d be thinking about if I saw them...
And what’s with wearing underwear on the outside? Is it just everybody following Superman’s trend? Come on, he has an excuse; he got his fashion sense from an alien planet. What about all the others? And where do they put the car keys? Do I even want to know
Having said that, most of the superpowers are really cool (except phlegm-man... But he was short-lived anyway). I mean, looking through walls, superspeed, melting things with your eyesight... But I’d have to say my top five would be
5) Teleportation. It would save so much money on the gas. Be great for the environment. And you’d always be where you wanted to be. Plus, you could confound Mr. Scott.
4) Superstrength. If you’re a scrawny guy like me, you’ve always had the dream of being stronger than all the guys who spend five hours a day in the gym. And if Buffy Summers can have superstrength whilst she’s looking all anorexic in seasons five through seven (yes, I’m that much of a nerd), then I could too.
3) Flying. ‘Cause... I mean, do I have to explain this one? Flying!!!
2) Mind-reading. First of all, you’d be the ultimate businessman. You could always get the best deal possible. You could figure out how to sweet-talk any deal. And man, you’d be the ultimate playa. The second you start talking to a girl, you’d know your chances. No wasted time. And you’d always know the right thing to say and/or do. Yeah, money and women. What more do you need?
1) Immortality. Because hey, why be in a rush? Go to college for a few hundred years, get a masters in everything! Travel the world, see it all. And I do mean it all. And by that time, there’ll probably be other worlds to travel to. I know, the immortals in fiction are always whining because their loved ones grow old and die, and they have to say goodbye. Well, so what? We mortals will all have the same problem!
But superheroes are always too arrogant. I know, you’re thinking that not all of them are. But they are. Look at their relationships. Every one of them won’t tell their significant other their true identity (unless they’re dating another superhero), because they “won’t risk” the person they love. How condescending can you get? I love you, but I’m not going to let you make up your mind about how much loving me is worth risking? What does that say about my respect for you? Not a whole lot. I’d be like, “hey, here’s the deal. Here’s the risks, here’s the benefits, make up your own mind... But keep in mind that ‘man of steel’ has many different interpretations, baby...” Yeah, I'm arrogant, too. But at least I know it, and don't try to make up everybody else's mind for them.
On the other hand, supervillains are all really stupid. No matter how intelligent they are, they’ll throw away all their plans just to try to kill a superhero, even if he/she isn’t interfering with the plans for world domination! They end up playing “Dr. Evil” with their overly-elaborate death traps.
None of that for me. Let me pull a Methos, and just hang around for a long, long time, getting the lay of the land, and living it up. Rule the world? Tomorrow, maybe. Money and women is all I need right now.
But most of all, I’d like to jam music with Willie Nelson. And if I had superpowers, I bet he’d be all for it.
Anyway, them there are my thoughts. I’m going to go put on a cape, and go fight for truth, justice, and poontang!
To the Jestermobile!!!!
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