Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Beans, beans, the wonderful fruit

I've never understood people who can't stop eating sugar.

Don't get me wrong - I enjoy sweets. But they're bad for you in excess, and as Americans, we do everything in excess. I know very few people who can go without eating massive amounts of sugar (or high fructose corn syrup) every single day. And the sad thing is, most of them think they are healthy!

Then again, most people think they're smarter than average, too. And better looking than average. And funny. (In my case, it happens to be true, of course. Right? Right? Anybody? Bueller? Bueller?)

But I gained a bit more sympathy for those addicted to sweet things when I realized my dietary kryptonite. I can say no to sugar. I can say no to fat. But beans... Mmmm...

Now, some of you are going "beans? Those are healthy!", and indeed they are. Very healthy. For me. Not so much for the people around me. Now, thankfully, I live alone. So when I'm by myself, I can enjoy my bean and cheese tacos... My Ranch Style Beans (side note - outside of Texas, those are called "Texas Style Beans")... My beef and bean burritos... My chalupas...

Of course, you don't want to visit my house after I've enjoyed such a delightful meal.

Should I ever have a family, that's going to be tough. Can I go without beans forever after that? My thought is that I should secretly remove their olfactory senses while they sleep. Who really needs to go around sniffing, anyway?

Another option would be to force everybody else to eat beans, and then blame them for the resulting fragrance. I'm not sure how that would work, but it might be worth a shot.

At work is always interesting. I'm by myself onstage, and I'm very good at sneaking them out. But I guarantee, the second I let loose with a foul miasma, the hottest girl in the room is going to walk up to me with a song request. Every single time. And all I can do is smile and pretend to be oblivious.

So, we now have Saccharine. Aspartame. Splenda. Neotame. Stevia. They're releasing new artificial sweeteners all the time, it seems.

Any work being done on stinkless beans? Please, scientists - this is urgent!


P.S. Isn't it amazing how I managed to write this whole thing without once using the words fart, poot, air biscuit, anal exhale, backdoor trumpet, barking spider, blinking brown-eye, bottom burp, bunghole buzzer, chanel No. 2, colon cologne, cushion creeper, rectum roar, rump ripper, or wind breakage? That's because I'm sophisticated and refined.


  1. Linzy8:39 PM

    You know I had to comment on this...only you would have a blog on this subject and make it sound so damn eloquent!(until the end, of course.. which I had no clue about half those names. I must be behind the times!)
    Your way with words is just so...great lol. And I like those bean and cheese burritos anyway!


  2. Linzy8:40 PM

    P.S. I can't believe you didn't add your other serious addiction! Diet Pepsi Vanilla anyone?

  3. Well, Diet Pepsi Vanilla doesn't really cause aromatic distress to those in my immediate vicinity...