So I went to see Iron Man the other night. The girl I was with was clueless about comics in general and Iron Man in particular. So I was explaining background, inside jokes, who was what, where it followed the original comic book story, where it deviated, and that's when I realized...
I've never read an Iron Man comic. In my entire life, I've only picked up a few dozen comics.
So how the hell do I know Iron Man's back story? For that matter, I'm also familiar with a ridiculous number of other Marvel and DC comic book characters. I was going to list them, but when I topped 20 in the "A"s, I decided not to.
There are two obvious answers;
1) Aliens abducted me, and used their infinitely superior technology to cram my brain full of comic-book character trivia.
2) Nerd Osmosis.
I hang around a lot of nerds - I always have. Their vocabularies rock, and they tend to have a better sense of priorities (and fun, for that matter) than most non-nerds. Due to my encyclopedic knowledge of useless shit, I'm always accepted as one of their own.
Now, I don't really recall ever discussing comics with any of them other than my friend Caleb. And then, it's usually after seeing the latest comic book movie. But I realized - what if I'm absorbing the Nerds comic-book knowledge by merely being in their presence?
This would also explain my afore-mentioned encyclopedic knowledge of trivial factoids. Ask anybody who knows me, and they'll all tell you I know ridiculous amounts of info about a very, very broad range of topics. I've always assumed this is because I read several hours a day. But what if I'm actually absorbing all the useless learning that everybody I come into contact with has acquired over their lifetimes?
It all starts to make sense, doesn't it? I'm in fact a Super-Hero of my own - I'm the great Knowledge Absorber! Call me Sponge-Jess! (I could even get some square pants, if necessary).
Get ready, cause once I get a cape, it's on! I'll be traveling around, curing ignorance one worthless fact at a time! Save lives? Ha! Save the Universe? No. Save damsels in distress? Not likely. Save the day? I don't see it. Save unused brain cells? Absolutely!
P.S. I'd better hit the gym more if I'm going to start wearing tights...
Global Justice needs heroes!
2 hours ago