Saturday, January 17, 2004

I want to learn how to sword-fight.

It just sounds so cool. Think about it - some street punk pulls out a switchblade. You look at him and say in your best Crocodile Dundee voice "That's not a knife! Well, I guess that is a knife, and a pretty nifty one, at that, but... AHA!!!"

You would of course pull out the sword while saying "AHA!!!" It wouldn't make any sense, otherwise.

Or you could be walking down an alley and some guy comes at you with brass knuckles. You look at him and say "That's not a knife! Really, it's not... AHA!!!"

Or, if you were in the type of alley that they have in low-budget karate movies, you could look at the gang of guys dancing around you and say "That's not a knife! That's a pair of nunchuka, a pair of tonfa, a bo, and... AHA!!!" After you defeat all the other guys, then the evil bad guy (with a fu manchu and a half-ponytail) comes at you with a sword. You have a fantastically choreographed duel, with sparks flying all over the place, and much taunting, then you win, and rescue your best friend and his sister, who happens to be your girlfriend. And thus you avenge your master's untimely demise at the hands of his former student.

Okay, so I've watched way too many karate movies. But I still think it would be cool. Alas, in real life, I doubt it would be as cool as it is in the movies. He pulls a knife, you pull a sword, he pulls a gun, you give him all your money and lose bladder control...

Which is why I'm not going to actually take the time to learn how to sword fight. It's (as far as I can tell) a thoroughly useless skill. Like speaking French. But it would be so cool.


Remember, if you're walking up the stairs, and it's dark and spooky, and really creepy music starts playing - TURN AROUND AND LEAVE THE HOUSE!!! Your curiosity can wait 'til you come back with bright lights.


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